Friday, May 15, 2015

Roots

I am often consumed by the desire to lay waste to my life and start it over again. I don't mean some overly dramatic Eat, Pray, Love kinda reset. I don't see me setting fire to my world just to watch the flames. But sometimes in the morning, when I turn the key in the lock on my door, I imagine that this might be the last time I do it. That I could, if I really wanted to, leave this apartment full of things in this city that I love and simply walk into a new life.

 

The thing about growing up not really moored to anything, is that you recognize that you can always leave. You can start over; you will start over. You'll cry and you'll mourn and you'll miss, but you'll also rebuild and adjust and move on. You'll wake up and the life you had that you so earnestly, so dearly loved will earn a collective shrug. You'll get up and make coffee and go about your day. You'll be fine.

 

It's a precarious sort of being present and itching to make a break for it; the way your heart forms attachments but your head says, "You can leave this too." It's an unfairness really, to you who needs a rock even if you don't need an anchor; to those who try to show up and be present for you. 

 

Being is a skill. Staying is a skill. And if you don't know what it means to be, to belong to something or someone or somewhere other than yourself, it's hard to ever learn it. When you have spent your life turning inward, fixing and mending yourself, self-soothing, you are especially ill equipped at forming the attachments that might help heal you in this way you don’t always recognize you are broken. You are whimsy. You are wind. You move through the world as if you belong to no one. Because you don't know how.  

 

It's how you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this life you've built, you could leave. It’s why you have such a hard time connecting. Why you forget things other people hold dear. Why people find you warm, but distant. It's why the people in your life don't totally trust you; they see you eyeing the exit even when you don't realize that you are. 

 

I fantasize all the time about leaving my life and starting a new one. And I'm really trying to stop. 

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Hunger

It feels like there's an invisible cord linking us. Each minute that slides by cranks the tension a bit tighter, pulling me toward him or him toward me, or both. I can't tell which anymore. But the distance between us, the minutes he spends not touching me feel like agony. 

I'm talking myself down off this ledge, calmly and levelheadedly telling me not to jump. But my body isn't listening. It too is winding tighter at every clock rotation. My breath has quickened and grown shallow, but my pulse has slowed down, leaving me disoriented and foggy. I can feel every single fine hair raise to attention on my arms, up the back of my neck, the goosebumps like Braille across my skin that only he can decipher.

I'm coaching myself, and I'm succeeding, but I'm weakening. Just breathe, I tell me. Keep talking. Keep your hands busy. Don't let go.

I'm not sure who touches who first, but at first contact I can hear the cord sizzle and snap, breaking under the weight of this astriction. I don't remember stepping closer or if I was pulled, but here I am pressed close and breathing the same staccato air as him. He takes his teeth to my neck roughly, his hands heavy and possesive on my ass and hips like they're his. My mouth hangs open but I, usually so loud, so vocal, can't manage to make a sound.

At some point I pull away from him, not because I want him to stop but because I need a minute. I can't breathe. I want him to devour me whole. But, Jesus, I need a fucking minute.

I don't even realize I've slipped my thin shirt over my head, slung it away from me like fire. I've reached behind me, unclasping my red bra and dropping it on top of my toes. I stand there before him, topless, panting, my breath so guttural I'm dizzy. He's on me before I can ask him to take me.

His mouth feels like fire and his hands feel like home. He's pinned me to the wall, his fingers slipping and probing, one elegant finger telling me to come here, his thumb making light, pressured circles. The room shrinks around us and my legs start to give out underneath me. I try to get away- I'm still fighting to regain some control- but he's not letting me go. He's watching me as I tremble and shiver beneath his touch, his eyes on mine as I slide down the wall and he comes down with me. I'm still trying to get away and he's chasing me every inch of the distance as I pull myself across the carpet, my back earning a carpet burn for my effort. He's on top of me, watching me, telling me to stop, to stop fighting, to let go without ever saying a word and his weight on me is so perfect, so fucking perfect, I can't believe I ever thought I could live my whole life without feeling this feeling. I feel myself come undone in his arms. 

I'm getting loud, curses painting my lips like lipstick. I've gone blind, my body shuddering and jerking without my permission. I don't know that I've ever so intensely, so wholly surrendered to someone else. I've never been so exquisitely out of control in the entirety of my life. 

He takes me like I'm his, like he's travelled my body a million times before. He's stroking, long and deep, his hands on my ass, his palms leaving stinging indentations on my skin. He's talking to me, telling me what to do, and I am completely relieved of the ability to form rational thought, my body slipping away from my control and the taste of prayers and curses in my mouth.

His name is a song he makes me sing more times than I can count, with him coaching me through every debilitating orgasm, watching me, reacting as my body responds, telling me to let go, to stop, to look at him, at turns commanding and tender. I am so completely overwhelmed I feel like I'm going to cry.

We fall away from each other at some point and I feel so dizzy, so drunk I don't even trust myself to stand. I am stumbling and disoriented as though we've spent the whole night drinking. The sun streaming through the windows is a surprise. I feel exposed in a way I am unfamiliar with, laid bare in a way I have steadfastly endeavored not to be.

How the fuck did this happen to me?

I feel like I've lost my mind. It's been slipping away slowly, unwinding itself from my ironclad grip and spiriting away by inches into the ether. But I was good. So good. And then he touched me. And I was gone. 

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Run, Baby, Run

The sun is sneaking down into the basement of the sea slowly, casting the world in soft pinks and oranges in its decent. The wind is blowing soft and cool off the water and making the humid air more bearable. A bird I can't place sings a song that sounds like a melodious car alarm. Beneath me, the ocean swirls and swishes like a heartbeat, reaching fingers up the shore.

I'm on the balcony, a thin white robe slicing open at my bare breast and bare thighs. I'm admiring my newly tanned legs in the diminishing sunlight, smoking and snapping pictures. I lean back, the wind sliding up my thighs like a whisper, the robe falling open a few more inches less decent considering I am naked underneath.

I could do this, I think to myself. I could live this life. 

I could spend my life flying from place to place, letting the sun warm my skin and learning new languages and cuisines. I could reasonably take up a life of pleasure, indulging my whims and my desires across continents. I could swim in every body of water. I could climb mountains. I could hike jungles. I could take a new name and a new lover every place I went, slipping away in the middle of the night, leaving only a fond memory in my wake. I could wake up with the birds or with the bats. I could see the world. I could travel and experience, tethered to nothing, responsible to no one. I could actually, finally, live in the world rather than just exist in it. 

But not if it's running, I say to myself and I know it to be true before the thought even finishes.

I take a hard drag and pull my hair down from its perch atop my head. It's heavy with salt water and smelling like fruit. I tug at the mangled curls and think about where I go next.

I could live this life. I could. I know.
But not if it's running.
This I know too.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

La La La

I couldn't figure out why today was bothering me. It's just a Tuesday. Nothing significant or even insignificant happens on Tuesdays. Tuesday is neither here nor there. Tuesday is meh.

But it kept nagging at me, an ever-so-slight twinge in my gut anytime I saw the date. It's that feeling I used to not be able to name; that feeling that things were slightly askew, sliding off balance, but the tilt was so subtle I could hardly perceive it. 

It didn't hit me until later, as I was stressing and muttering to myself while moving some meetings around on my calendar why I felt so uneasy all day; it’s your birthday.

I choose to gloss over what it means that my spirit still knows your birthday even when my mind is paying it no attention. It's better that way, probably.

If this was six years ago, I know what we'd be doing. We'd be packing and we'd be heading some place we'd never been. Probably somewhere with a beach, with you needing the sunshine and me needing the water. We'd be plotting on what to do and how to get around and where we were going to eat. We'd be excited and anxious checking in constantly; did you pack sunscreen (me)? Who's gonna smuggle the shorties on the plane (you)?

We'd both be planning dates the other would love in celebration of our birthdays barely a week apart. And we'd be trying to one up each other, because it's always a competition. We'd be staying up too late and talking about our plans.
We'd be talking, at least.

Unlike now.

We aren’t talking. And we aren't who we were six years ago. We might not have ever been. And we aren't going anywhere. And we probably never were.

But we were dumb, stupid in love, weren't we?

It kills me to feel like I'm not sure of the answer to that anymore.

I want to call. I want to call because not talking is new for us. Because birthdays are important to us, and because whether or not you'll admit, all day you'll be wondering if I might. And you'll be disappointed when I don't. And it won't ruin your day- I don't have that power anymore- but it'll sit, quiet and small in the corner as you celebrate, and you'll glance over it at least once right before you go to sleep.

I won't call. Because I shouldn't. Because it's done. And it's the right thing to do, even if it's not what I want.

Instead I stop by the liquor store on the way home. And I sit out on my patio in the twilight sending you love and light and hoping you feel it, listening to My Cherie Amor and taking deep, shuddering breaths rather than crying.

We are hole-in-the-wall restaurants and we are cheese fries. We are Baltimore and the life we never had in LA and kisses on a street car in Memphis. We are a silly shorthand language only we know and love letters and AIM messages and slow sex against the wall in a darkened stairwell. We're a CD where every song says my name. We're strip clubs in Yonkers and tiny clubs with dope music in Chicago. We are turkey burgers with the plastic still on and slow dancing in the kitchen to Stevie Wonder.
We are done.

I unload my brown paper bag from the liquor store, and line shorties of the rum we used to drink on the altar of the railing like an offering. I shoot them all back to back without taking a breath in between. The taste is less familiar when not mingled with your tongue and your cloves and your Chapstick.

I look at the empty bottles, the last vestiges of sunlight shining through their emptiness. I arrange them just so and look at them until it's dark out. And then I knock them over on my way back inside.

Yet another shrine I erected that feels like ruins.


Sunday, March 15, 2015

Curtains

I was hitting my marks perfectly. Finding my light and delivering each line with grace and wit. I was being charming. I was being funny. And sexy at the right time. And smart at the right time. I was listening and reeling him in and saying the right thing, because that's what I do.

And I was fucking exhausted.

Thirty minutes ago when he walked over to introduce himself, a bit of a smirk leading the way, I knew who he was immediately, even before he told me his name. I recognized the confidence in his stride. The way he found the perfect way to invade my space without being overbearing. I knew the tone of faux intimacy in his voice meant to disarm me. I recognized his easy charm and the privilege of his handsomeness that carved the room open before him. I know him. Because I date him all the time.

We do the things people our age do when they're single and living in this city and trying to figure out if the person in front of them is someone they might one day see naked; we talk about where we work and where we live, where we're from and where we went to school, and compare notes about who we might know in common, which is really code for have you fucked anyone in this too small city that would pose a problem for me if I fucked you too?

He's telling me a story about a trip he recently took to serve as best man for his best friend and frat brother, and he's hitting all the notes of the song and dance. Sure, he's telling me the story. But what I'm supposed to be hearing is that perhaps he might be getting to the point where he's ready to settle down too, though we both know that's not true. And look how exciting my life is; don't you wanna be a part of it?

He's performing his monologue, and I'm listening and asking questions when I should and laughing when I should, and in my mind I'm saying to myself, "Six weeks. It would take me six weeks to break you."

And how do I know this? Because I know. Because I know this guy. I date him all the time. He's all young and handsome and full of swagger, drunk on the attention he gets from women and the success he's no doubt finding at work. He's smart and funny and charming as shit. He's probably amazing in bed, and thoughtful in that way that you are not when it's in your nature but because it's a means to an end. There's no doubt in my mind that he's not an asshole, but he's emotionally unavailable for some reason or another that has nothing to do with me. And that would be convenient for me- for us both really, but definitely for me- because I wouldn't have to invest. I wouldn't have to be connected or responsible. It could be all fun and flirting and great sex until it wasn't anymore.

Until one of us inevitably got bored or frustrated. Or started to wonder why the other wasn't wanting more, and couldn't handle what that might do to our ego. Or one of us wanting more and recognizing we'd never get it in this situation where we've wasted time building a bridge to nowhere.

I've just delivered a line that went over flawlessly. I pause and let it sink in. I time it perfectly. He reacts just like I knew he would. He and I have good chemistry and we play well off each other.

This shit is a disaster waiting to happen.

He asks for my number before he and the crew he's abandoned to come flirt with me for the better part of an hour leave for the next spot. They're much of the same; young and handsome and cocky in that mildly predatory way. 

I want to give it to him. I do. Because he's handsome and funny and charming. Because he's probably a great lay. Because this- this predictable back and forth and it's inevitable fall out- this I can manage. 

"I can't," I say instead. I watch his face fall a bit.
"I, um...," He falters and sputters. "Are you seeing someone? I guess I should have asked that."

But of course he didn't ask that. Because men like him don't ask that. Because there's some part of him that believes- in many cases probably rightly- that if he wants something, the answer is irrelevant.

"No, I'm single. But the problem is, I've dated you before. Dozens of times. I know how this goes. And I'm going to save us the trouble."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you came over here to talk to me because I'm pretty, yes, but also because I draw men like you to me all the time. If I had to guess I'd say you're probably already casually dating," I pause to decide on a figure, "two women. One of them is probably bad as fuck, but dumb as rocks. The other is probably a really good girl that you should be serious about, but you're not because you aren't really ready. But at your age, not wanting something serious is rapidly starting to feel less and less cool than it was in your twenties. Your friends are getting married and having babies and while you probably, maybe, want that too, you really don't want it anytime soon. But you don't wanna admit that because people judge you for it. Instead, you remain unavailable in every way for some reason- for you it was probably a heartbreak you don't ever wanna feel again because you don't seem like a predatory asshole- and pick women where you know deep down it will never be anything real. Because then you're just a victim of your circumstances, you just haven't found the right woman. Rather than it being what it really is; you just don't want it. Any of that sound about right?"
"No, you're wrong. It's three women."

We laugh, and it's probably the first time in the whole conversation where we've laughed heartily and genuinely.

"I'm not judging you. I just... I know how this goes. I date you all the time. And I think," I take a deep breath, "I'm ready to stop."

He nods at me over and over, a smile spreading across his face.
"I get that. I do. It was nice to meet you, La."
"It was nice to meet you, too."

He heads back to his boys, no doubt lying about having exchanged information or spinning some story about how he didn't ask me for my number because of some fake sin I didn't commit. I turn my attention back to my Makers and sigh heavily.

I think I'm growing up. Sonofabitch. 

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

An Opening

It's always fun when it's new.

When it's all shameless flirting and bubbling sexual tension. When it's texting long missives and witty replies and conversations that stretch into the late/early hours like you don't have anywhere to report to in the morning. When everything is laughs and life stories shared in hushed confessional. That place right in the middle of the bridge between This is fun and Oh, shit, could this really be something?

That's where we are. We're good morning texts and talking while we're sitting in traffic and pics of what I'm wearing to work. We're slick texts during the day out of the blue that throw the other off kilter. We're absent minded strokes up and down my back while we're waiting for our table. We're dinners that stretch until the waiters are stacking chairs on top of tables. We're languishing conversations until the wee small hours of the morning.

We're having one such convo around 4am on one of many nights I can’t sleep. We're about four hours post our last date and nine hours before our next one, and for some reason we've been laughing about The Boondocks for 15 minutes.

"You ever think about us?" He asks me outta the blue. And while I really appreciate how open and emotionally available he is, it still takes some getting used to. Some will power to not run the other way. 
“I, uh, think about where we’re going for brunch tomorrow. I think about if we’re going to go see Alvin Ailey.”
“You should. Think about us, I mean.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“You’ll think about thinking about us?”
“Yeah.”
“HA! I’ll take it.”

We continue on this way, laughing and flirting and discovering for far longer a time than people who have just left each other’s company should.

“I hate talking on the phone.”
“La, we been on the phone for like,” I can hear him pull the phone away from his face to check the display, “two hours and seventeen minutes.”
“You know, my grandma used to say that if you have that much to talk about with someone, you just need to go see them.”
“So, let’s do it.”
“What?”
"Get up. Come meet me."
"I just left you."
"I know. But come anyway."
I pause, weighing how reckless I wanna be here.

Year of bad decisions. I suppose.

"Ok. Where?"
He tells me where and I throw on sweats, figuring he can't expect much at 4am.

I get there barely 15 minutes later and he's beaten me. He's in sweats and a t-shirt but I can tell as I walk up he's freshly showered. He smiles when he sees me and takes a deep breath and I pretend not to notice and not to like it.

"You couldn't even be without me for 12 hours?"
"Nawl. I guess not."

We laugh and we talk until the sun comes up, making friends with the waitress and the truck driver on his way further south. Somewhere around seven we stumble out into the beginnings of daylight, our index fingers intertwined. He leans up against his car and pulls me into him.

"This was fun."
"It was,” I say through a yawn.
"I gotta tell you something."
"Go."
"I like you. And I like us. I'm interested.”
“Ok.”
“Ok? That’s all you have to say?”
“Yep.”
“I’m serious.”
“Ok.”
“You don’t believe me do you?”
“NOPE!” I say as we bust out laughing. “I’ve been dream sold too many times. But I’m open to believing you.”
“That’s cool,” he says, giving me a tighter hug as he turns and walks me to my car, “all I need is an opening.”


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Sure

2014 was a year of reckoning. It was a year that sat on my chest, heavy and unmoving, leaning down in my face to sneer at me and ask, "Are you sure?"

This career you've been working at for 10 years; are you sure?
That man you've loved for years and you swear you want forever with;
 are you sure?
That thing you said you'd never do; 
are you sure?
That dream you have that you won't give up on no matter how you neglect it; are you sure?
This city and this apartment and these friends and this hair color and that date and this move and that decision; 
ARE YOU SURE?

I'm ashamed of how often the answer has been no.

2014 kicked in the door waving the .44 on me. After a fairly peaceful 2013, I wasn't prepared. I thought I'd reached a point in my life where I'd weathered so many of the worse storms. I thought I'd found some semblance of normal.

At that, 2014 scoffed.

There's been upheaval. And the ever present specter of loss. Some of it in my head, blooming wild from the deepest roots of my anxiety. This is too good, it always hisses in my ear. How will you fuck it up? When will the other shoe drop? What will you ruin? What will you lose?

It sits with me the nights that turn into mornings that I cannot sleep. This idea that what I thought I knew, I don’t know. The feeling that after only a brief reprieve my life has turned sharply and headed for the edge again. And unlike some other times in my life when I wasn’t at the wheel, I have in many ways willed myself in this direction. 

Objectively I know that this is a function of the beast of anxiety; this questioning, these machinations, this plotting and planning and trying to get ahead of problems that exist nowhere but in my own mind. I know this. But still, I pick at myself.

Why did you do that? Why didn’t you do this?
What were you thinking?
What are you going to do?
Aren’t you tired of making mistakes?
Are you going to fuck it up?
Can you trust that? Can you trust them?

Are you sure?


Too often the answer is still no. 


Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas


I’ve blocked out large swaths of my childhood. There are large, gaping holes in the landscape of my memory, my mind acting as something like a psychological gopher, digging underneath certain places in my memory until the earth falls in beneath them. It’s a coping mechanism I’m sure, one I suppose I will eventually have to confront, but if the things I do remember are any indication, I’m not in any rush to till the land.

I remember one Christmas in particular. I remember the house we lived in. I remember the living room, and the tree standing tall and bright decorated next to the fireplace. I remember waking up early, as children are prone to do on Christmas morning, but laying in my bed terrified that I would get in trouble for waking anyone else up. There’d been a fight the night before after I’d gone to bed. And I didn’t know what I was walking into. I remember realizing, after laying there a time, that I would probably also get in trouble for not waking anyone up; for not pretending everything was great and normal and that I was any other kid with any other family. That my tardiness would delay the rest of the day and that the tension that would result would lay at my feet. I got up quietly, sliding down the side of my high poster bed. I stood outside my parents’ door for a long time, my heart a gong beat in my chest, before quietly entering and whispering as quietly as I could manage for my mom to wake up.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Thinking Out Loud

It happens at the times I am usually least on guard for it.

I’m over the most acute of it, the times when it would hit me unexpectedly and I'd have to stop in my tracks, my breath caught in my throat. When I'd need to talk myself through it, remind myself to stay present, in that moment, with this feeling, and and give myself permission to feel as I saw fit right then. I’m past the point where it consumed my days, where it filled every inch of the quiet spaces at night and kept me awake far into the haunting hours. It is no longer sharp, sudden, intense. I felt every pang of that.
Now, it’s the little things, the seemingly innocuous things, wrapped in unexpected melancholy. It’s when I’m putting on my watch in the morning. It’s looking up and realizing I'm walking past a club where we once went, remembering us tipsy, sweaty, in the middle of the floor molded together like art. It’s a song that shuffles on unexpectedly and smells like a summer night. It’s the radio silence in which we exist now and I know it means I can’t share something funny or sad or stressful or beautiful. It's in the memories I still bump into moving around my apartment, the edges still sharper than I prefer.
This is a lesson. And unlike the many other times I have been presented with the opportunity to learn this lesson and turned resolutely and headed in the other direction, I’ve learned it this time. I’ve learned how to bear the full weight of my emotions; to surrender to them and allow them to come. To not always feel bound by the need to be reasonable or graceful or unaffected. To process without drowning. How to allow a feeling to exist without existing for the feeling. How to baptize myself in proverbial emotional waters and emerge renewed, rather than being sucked under. I know that I am not weakened by loving, by losing, in a way that I have not always known. That I can remained unbroken even when I am laid bare. It’s a lesson I needed. That I, someone who tends to run, who tends to avoid, needed to learn.
I just never thought I’d be learning it with him. 


Monday, November 17, 2014

Push and Pull

He caught me at a weak moment and he knows it.

I am tired- weary, really- worn down by scaling mountains of work and managing my bad decisions. So when he calls me and says he's in town and coming over and cooking, I know he only does so because he knows I don't have the energy to debate the fact that he's telling me instead of asking me.

He shows up at my door a short time later, short enough to let me know he's been hanging around my neighborhood awhile. He breezes in loaded down with grocery bags and smelling like the cologne I once bought him just because back when we were trying to be We. He smiles at me, that bright, disarming smile I love and he says my name like a song he feared he'd forgotten the melody to.

I smile, taken by the ways I can at once feel drawn to him and yet completely disconnected. I don't say a word.