Friday, February 25, 2005

Three Little Words Part Deux

I had an epiphany while I was asleep.

Ok, I sleep too hard to wake up to anything other than lines on my face and a complete loss of equilibrium. But hear me out for a second...

So I was thinking about First Love and his phone call. And I realized... those three little words don't change anything. It doesn't make anything different. It doesn't change any of the other conditions that bind us. It doesn't change why we aren't together in the first place. It doesn't make us different people now, doesn't change any of the things we went through then.

There are reasons why we aren't together. And as much as I wish that it wasn't so, it is. And if we end up together in the end of it all, there will be reasons for that as well. But honestly maybe everything is just too far gone to be repairable. And maybe we will just have to live with that.

In the meantime, there will be no more late night phone calls or me waiting to hear that special ring as I did for so long. There will be no more questions without answers, reading into the little things, or hoping for some fairy tale. When we see each other here will be no more discreet touches that we both know aren't supposed to happen, that we both know we aren't supposed to enjoy as much as we do. There will be no more breathless kisses or soft words that we know we aren't supposed to say. It can't be. If I have learned anything it is that something born out of lies, out of someone else's pain, can never withstand the pressures of it shady beginnings.


Next time I start over, I want it to be different. I want to build a foundation with someone that is strong, something solid. I want someone I have chemistry with, someone who makes me laugh, someone who makes me cry, someone who picks me up when I trip over the million things I fall over each day. No more building walls before laying the floor. The next anything I choose to build with anyone, platonic or romantic, is going to be something of substance, something of strength and something of honesty. I am too old to still be playing the games I played in high school. And it's time I found someone who realizes they are too old to be playing these kind of games as well.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Three Little Words

I am in my oh-so-comfortable bed around 4am and I hear the phone ring. I'm half asleep so I think I might be dreaming and just mistaking the special ringer on my phone for someone special that I haven't heard from in so long. I smile at the thought that maybe, just maybe it could be. I jerk awake, snatch my phone off my bookcase. The ringer said it, the caller ID confirms it.
It's HIM.

My own emotional equivalent to the Great Depression.

Let's just call him First Love.

Tentatively I pick up the phone and try to force out a scratchy hello. His voice fills my heart and I suddenly remember every piece of him I've ever felt. He floods all my senses. We make small talk (or in as much as one can make small talk at 4am) and then outta the blue he says the three little words I had been dying to hear for so long...

"I miss you."

And I swear my heart just stopped.

Hearing it in my head, and hearing it in real time are so different. Now I have to deal with it. And it's so complicated. We have both moved on. I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss him but... how can you just do that to a person? Be absent for so long and then all of a sudden attempt to become a viable part of their everyday again with just those three little words, "I miss you."

And what does that mean exactly? Does "I miss you" mean I was thinking about all the time we spent together and realized how much it meant to me? Does it mean I want to be with you now? Does it mean that somehow the people that we have in our lives become less significant and we're both ready to see if this is the great thing everyone else seems to think it is? Or does this just mean, hey I realized you're a pretty cool chick and I was reminiscing, got caught up in the memory and wanted to see how you were doing? Is it just a check-up call like "Hey just wanted to make sure you weren't over me yet"? And why should it matter either way?

I tend to over analyze things so I will try not to. But what am I supposed to think, what I am I supposed to hope after that? I am always so sure of myself, so together. I designed me that way. And now I don’t know the next step to take.

It's amazing how, when you're too asleep to put your guards up, three little words can change everything...

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


I read my friend Shani's blog and it inspired me. The function of this is two-fold... #1: Because I ran out of paper in my journal; #2: Because my friends constantly worry about my state of mind so now they can know what's going on with me without constantly asking me, "La, how do you feel?"

I don't really know where to start. So many things occupy my mind these days. You know how sometimes you lay down at night and get ready to go to sleep and then all of a sudden all these thoughts just rush into your head? No? Just me, huh? That's fine.

I need to FOCUS. I don't really know what I want to do with my life. Let me rephrase that. I don't know what to do to get it all done. At the risk of sounding conceited, I am good at so much stuff. My friends encourage my jack-of-all-trades personality but I don't know how exactly to focus them all into one thing or to get them all on one path... or at least a broad main path that branches off onto all of those other things.

I dunno... being a grown up sucks.