Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Sweetest Goodbye

A very dear friend of mine moved to New Mexico this morning, and I'm quite sad about it. I know what you're thinking... and yes apparently there is more than cactus and dust in New Mexico. I was shocked and appalled too. Who knew?

Anyway, every time I am faced with an event as such, I am forced to deal with how utterly completely and totally awful I am with goodbyes. I hate them. I'd rather avoid them all together. That word leaves such a bitter taste in your mouth. I don't like them not one bit. Why? Because goodbye seems so permanent... well for lack of anything more profound to say... that sucks. So this morning we all get up at the buttcrack of dawn (ok it was 9:30 but everything before 2pm is early to me) and go to his house to say goodbye. Mind you, we already had a gathering at his house that, at the end of the night when faced with the prospect of saying goodbye, left me dissolved in tears curled into a ball on his lap. Oh by the way, I hardly ever cry. It makes me makeup run. So add that to the fact that everyone then treated me like I was broken for the rest of the night because they don't know what to do with me all emotional, I have been pretty upset the last few days. Anyway, this morning we say goodbye at his house, and I, of course, am incredibly sad and trying not to show it. See here's the thing; although my group of friends have certainly had its share of problems, I love these people. They've been in my life for the last 3 years steadily, good, bad or other. And there's something to be said for people who will stick by you through the most pitiful periods in your life when they don't have to. These people are my family.

And now I'm starting to have to let them go.

Truthfully. I was upset but not as devastated as I thought I'd be. Honestly I was more proud than anything. He'd been saying for 2 years that he was gonna move and start over and he never did. Now he has.

So I realize I've grown without me ever knowing I was going through a process. I was sad to see him go, yes, because I loved the fact that he was right downtown if I wanted to see him. However, I was so proud of him for having the balls to move away from all that's familiar. I've done it; it's hard to do. And I'm glad he realized how necessary it was and, despite all our protests, did it because he knew he had to. He's moving, but he's not leaving... he's just moving on.

I've been doing alot of that recently. And it feels nice. Its...well, freeing. And it feels so good to be free.

Maybe I'm not as bad at goodbyes as I once thought. Maybe, the times when you say goodbye because you know that they are leaving to move on to whatever it is that they are meant to be, maybe those are the times that goodbye tastes the sweetest.

Friday, August 5, 2005

What's It All About?

Anyone proficient in dream analysis? If so, I've got a doozie for ya. (Yes I said doozie. I'm going through a devastating break up. Leave me alone.) Ok so I told Olu about it, who made a cameo in it for some strange reason, presumably because he pseudo-yelled at me before I went to sleep that night. So here we go. Let me know what you get from it.

I dream in movies by the way. (Come on, I'm an actress.)

I'm sitting at a huge white vanity brushing my hair which is horrendously long. The phone rings and it's Olu. He says, "Are you sure you wanna do this?" "Of course," I reply and then we hang up. I sit there for a long time in my underwear brushing my hair and looking at myself. Then I get up and put on a red dress. (Which, if I actually owned it, would be the FLYEST friggin' dress ever to exist outside the realm of the subconscious.)

I go outside and I get in the car with Olu. I take off my shoes (again, quite beautiful 4 inch
red heels), hang my feet out the window, light a Newport (a habit I kicked a long time ago pick back up during times of extreme emotional distress such as these), and start to sing an old Nina Simone song called Ne me Quitte Pas which loosely translated means "Don't Leave me". Olu is talking to me, but I can't actually hear anything he says because everytime he opens his mouth, yellow rose petals come out.

We drive until we get to this huge cathedral I used to go to when I was a little girl. We get out and walk inside. Olu looks at me and says, "You know you're nuts, right?" I pause and then say, "Yes," and then walk ahead of him. We walk into a wedding and take our seats in one of the pews about halfway down the aisle. We're sitting there, everyone is perfectly still and completely quiet. My contacts start to get kinda dry so I close my eyes. When I open them, the dream is now completely from my point of view.

I realize I'm walking down the aisle. I see the me in the
red dress sitting with Olu, all my family and friends. I get to the end of the aisle where 2 of my exes are standing. The minister starts the ceremony. When it's time, the groom lifts my veil and suddenly everyone is gone. The huge cathedral is completely deserted. I turn around and I see the me in the red dress standing at the end of the aisle. The me in the red dress starts to sing the same Nina Simone song from before. I look down and my wedding dress is slowly turning black as though someone is pouring ink down the front of it. I look up and the me in the red dress has vanished but I can still hear me singing.

Then I wake up.

Any thoughts people? PLEASE.

No... really. Help. I'm going crazy here. I'm scared to go to sleep.

Wednesday, August 3, 2005

...of Things that End

I'm not a smart girl. Not at all. I'm quite stupid actually. I know, I know, this is where you all go, "No La you're quite smart and talented and..." somewhere after that I start to tune you out. But let me make it simple for you.

I'm dumb.
Got it?
No no no no no. Stop talking over me. Stop trying to reassure me. STOP.

Ok maybe it would be better if I were to explain the depths of my profound stupidity.

"Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result."

Ok that's a little more like what I've been doing. So maybe I'm not stupid in as much as I am COMPLETELY, TOTALLY, AND UTTERLY FUCKING OUTSIDE OF MY MIND. (That felt good.)

Oh wait- I recognize that I'm dancing completely around the issue but #1 I like to dance and #2 I'm stalling so that I don't actually have to write this down or say it out loud.

. . .

He broke up with me.
I'm single.

Like I knew I would be.

If the rest of the post comes to you in high definition bitterness don't say you weren't forewarned.

The phone rings yesterday and it's a number I don't recognize. I pretty much figure its the (ex) boyfriend and debate about whether or not I should answer it because the last time we talked he was competing in some sort of asshole contest. I, of course, pick it up and somewhere along minute 3 or so of the conversation he tells me something along the lines of "I need to talk to you." Which, in case you didn't know, is far worse than the dreaded "We need to talk" because it is more like an information session notifying you of things that are to come that are gonna break your heart, notsomuch a discussion of some sort of issue. So in my mind, I grab that oh shit bar you find on the roof of your car and hold on for the ride

HIM: I've been doing a lot of thinking...
ME: That's never good.
HIM: And I think we need to decide where this relationship is gonna go from
here if it goes anywhere at all.

Um... err? Grrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

I hate this conversation by the way. I hate it the way most men hate it. This is the worst and yet most necessary thing to do to a person. I digress...

Long story short he decided that he's ready to get married and have kids like yesterday and I would prefer to wait because of my career. So, we want the same things but on a different timeline. I was willing to compromise on the marriage thing because I would really like to be married to this man but kids are slightly different, seeing as how I'd be the one carrying them, giving birth, nursing them, raising them alone next time he gets deployed or if God forbid something were to happen to him. See my issue?

Anyway, as one might expect the conversation went swiftly downhill from there with him getting more confused and I fighting a valiant battle with refusing to cry. (I won by the way. I've yet to shed a tear and I refuse to.) So somewhere towards the end of the conversation he says, "You're not taking this like I'm breaking up with you are you?"
Umm... ERR?

How the hell else am I supposed to take it exactly? You start the conversation by telling me we need to decide where our relationship is going but everything that follows is more like, "hey I'm letting you know that this isn't gonna work and here's why." You tell me that there's basically no future in us and that you're not willing to wait or compromise the things you want. In essence, that I can't be that person to make you happy and give you the things you feel you need. How, again, is this not a breakup speech? "Hi you're completely and totally incapable of giving me what I want and need because of your career choices but I love you so I'm gonna stay with you anyway."
Uh huh. Not a break up.

Score 2 career/0 love.

So what does any of this have to do with me being insane? Because I KNEW this was gonna happen and I prolonged it, praying, hoping, wishing on stars and all that dumb shit that maybe, just maybe, if we wanted it bad enough, if we worked at if hard enough, that things could work out.
Cue violins.... here.

See where this kind of thinking got me? I KNOW better. I know that love conquers all bullshit doesn't work. I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE. Why again?

I am guilty by reason of insanity.

So no more of this. I'm tired, I really am. I'm tired of fairy tales and wishing on stars, love letters and late night phone calls. I just don't want to do it anymore. I can't do it anymore. It's just really not worth it.

A long time ago, I resolved within myself that I wouldn't be able to maintain and nurture a serious long-term relationship with anyone because I knew how demanding my career was. And I was ok with that. Somewhere along the line, I got away from that resolution and deluded myself into thinking that love could be some kind of tangible force in my life even though it had never really been before.


So tired of loving things that always leave.