Wednesday, September 21, 2005

With a Whole Lot of Will and a Lil' Bit of Grace

I have an ex who I have referred to a few times here in my blog. We have, by far quite possibly the most unorthodox and wildly inappropriate relationship of anyone I know. We share far too much, talk way too often, spend far too much time together, know each other on entirely insane levels to the point of completing each other's sentences.

And I love it.

We didn't have the best of breakups... to put it very, VERY lightly. It was painful and confusing and heartbreaking to go through. It hurt more than most things have hurt me. So how can we be friends now? Easy. We work REALLY hard at it.

I'd be lying if I said there weren't times that we didn't slip into old bitterness, trade smart, scathing comments, flung at each other carelessly. There are many times when sometimes, honestly, it still hurts, the way things ended up between us because, well at the risk of sounding like a complete idiot/hopeless romantic, we were really great together. I've never had better chemistry with anyone in my life. No one has ever made me laugh harder, longer. No one has ever somehow been able to tell me exactly what I needed to know but didn't wanna hear in exactly the right way I needed to hear it to heed it. Not too many have wiped more tears, or known exactly what to do when I was sick, sat and talked for more hours, played in my hair for longer, watched more movies or understood my jokes. No one has held my hand more when I needed it, kissed my forehead and made me feel still, or held me while I slept fitfully.

It's hard to explain exactly the way he is with me, or rather the way we are with each other. No one quite understands it, least of all us. But just about everyone who is around us recognizes that it's something special. Something you can't quite put your finger on or name in any kind of certain terms but its there. Even when we're trading insults and smart comments, the love is palpable. I'd never let anything happen to him, and in my heart I don't believe he'd ever let anything harm me either. There are very few people in my life who I can honestly say protect me that way. And I thank him for it.

Now anyone who knows how we broke up thinks I am currently crazy. That's ok. I can't necessarily dispute them. It's quite possible that I'm entirely crazy to still have this man in my life. But I can't really say I care. Truth is, if I could put my finger on entirely what makes us so close or makes our relationship so special I think it would lose something. And I can't really rationalize or explain why my heart still accepts him in my life despite what we went through. My head can't interfere with what my heart has always decided will be the norm... having this man in my daily life. And honestly I don't even think I want to cut him out. Don't get me wrong. There was a time when I wanted to use his balls as hood ornaments on a car, but right now, I'm lucky. Lucky that there's someone in this world who knows me like he does, that tolerates my weaknesses and appreciates my strength. He isn't perfect, and I wouldn't want him to be. We have worked very hard at our relationship and I can see us being together for many, many years to come. He might just be the one constant I have gained, the one good thing when things go badly, the one person who understands even when I can't. We've tried very hard to get over old hurts and pains, heal old wounds we left open and festering for too long, and learn how to accept our situation and relationship just as it is, rather than trying to bend and shape it into what we think it should be. We have learned to just let it Be; to let things fall as they will and not allow any of the peripheral issues overshadow the thing more important over all our issues; we love each other. He's taught me so much about myself and life and just... EVERYTHING and that I am so appreciative for. He taught me to better handle things and people, to listen more intently without allowing my own bias to block what's being said, to love without judging and to live without restrictions imposed by social commentary.

When we are together, the world is still for a moment and I can truly throw my head back and laugh with my heart, I can cry real tears for as long as I need to, I can scream and joke and yell and fight and dance and sing and I don't have to worry about being too vulnerable or being called a fool. And most importantly, to find someone with whom I can be comfortable enough with that will do those things with me is invaluable.

He is the will that taught me to handle things with grace and I'm so glad that I got the opportunity to love him.



Monday, September 5, 2005

Pretty Lies

What prompts people to lie? What is the thought process between the time when the thought first occurs to someone to lie and when the lie is actually spoken into the universe? What makes us lie to each other? And when do these lies move from helpfully harmless ("No honey you're not getting fat") to purposely painful ("No I don't have feelings for anyone else") How often are we getting not what we need to know but simply what someone else thinks we wanna to hear?

I've never been big on lies. They do more damage than good. Nor have I ever been a good liar. And I'm actually pretty damn proud of that. I have always said that the truth is something that I can deal with, it is consistent, it doesn't change, no matter what my feelings are about its nature. Lies, on the other hand, are transient. They change, shift in shape. They aren't solid, have no foundation. It's like standing in quick sand; there is no sure footing and there's no way out but under.

With this being said, I have also never understood why people seek to lie specifically to me. I've never been a hard person to talk to. And because of the exorbitant amount of pride that I posses in this tiny little 5'3" frame, I've never really been one for shouting or screaming matches, making a scene when I've been hurt or upset. I'm much more about maintaining what little dignity I have left after being lied to and misled, leaving easily on my own terms, leaving you to wonder if you affected me at all. I have often said that if anyone feels the need to lie to me then the problem lies with them because there's really no good reason to lie to anyone for any reason. Because the fact of the matter is, it always, ALWAYS comes out anyway.

Another reason I don't know why people bother lying to me is because my instincts border on psychic. Not in some creepy late night infomercial kinda way, but more so in a I-listen-to-my-gut-and-I'm-very-intuned-with-what-my-body-tells-me-in-certain-situations. More often than not, I know things without them being told to me. I invite everyone to get more in touch with your instincts; they serve you well. People talk to me, people say things and inside I go, No you're lying. People claim to have been somewhere, claim to have done something and inside I somehow know the truth before it's ever spoken. And I always find out sooner rather than later. Why do people continue to push?

Why do we tell each other what we wanna hear instead of what is true? I'll never need a lie more than I'll need the truth. Don't set a standard if you aren't prepared to maintain it. Don't volunteer information that you know isn't true because you feel like it will ultimately give you what you want. How many needless, senseless arguments and heartaches would be avoid if only we had the courage to be honest?

The Stupid Girl's Guide to Getting Over an Ex: an Easy 4 Year, 173 Step Process Part 2

Because of my infinite expertise on the subject, I have decided to compile a sort of step by step guide of the best and most successful way to get over an ex in a positive and not at all unhealthy way. Ahem. Here you have it...

1. Break up with ex because you feel that he doesn't value you anymore and instead of being with you because he loves you he is with you because he is scared to be without you.

2. Cry yourself to sleep every night for a year.

3. Pretend that you are ok with the breakup and that everything is ok. Meet every pair of pitiful eyes and queries of, "How ARE you?" with a rueful smile and say, "It was for the best."

4. Secretly continue to go out with said ex, sleep with him, talk to him everyday etc causing people to be unsure that you've actually broken up and finally to come to the conclusion that it is an elaborately staged episode of Punked.

5. Sleep each night with the tiny brown teddy bear he bought you in the 7th grade and somehow convince yourself that does, in fact, STILL smell like Polo Sport.

6. Move away to another city and still continue to call him everyday and fill him in on your daily life as though you're still together even when you feel him pulling away.

7. Convince yourself wholeheartedly that you will never find anyone else in the world like him to replace him.

8. After exactly 6 days, begin to plan how you're going to move back him to be closer to him.

9. Spend 4 hours on the phone with him one night and realize that you are quite possibly being the most codependent, pitiful creature on earth and repeat step #2 for 2 weeks when you realize that you don't need to talk to him anymore.

10. Cut him off completely and abruptly.

11. Cave in and see him when he tells you he is driving up even after you realize he's not coming to see you in as much as he is coming to see your mutual friend who lives an hour away.

12. Have sex with him against the door of your dorm room as though you were some random chick he just met and not someone he spent 6 years of his life with.

13. Repeat step #10.

14. Find someone that you are interested in and hold back from him because of step #7.

15. Agree to see ex when you go home for Thanksgiving.

16. Feel guilty while you juggle phone calls from both the new guy you are interested in and the ex.
17. Repeat step #10 upon return to different city.

18. Continue relationship with new guy and really start to like him.

19. Pick up phone at random hour of the night when ex calls and listen to him tell you how much he misses you. Begin to talk to him periodically.

20. Realize that you're being stupid and jeopardizing your new relationship. Repeat step #10.

21. Agree to see ex when you go home for spring break.

22. Repeat step 17.

23. Continue with step 17 until the summer when you go home and have big argument with new boyfriend. Agree to see ex and continue to see him all summer, pretending yourself into believing you are building a "friendship".

24. Realize that you're still in love with him no matter what great "friends" you are and repeat step #10.

25. Continue to not talk to him for almost a year. When you do happen to encounter, ensure that your meetings are brief and painfully awkward.

26. Stay away from home for 2 years and avoid everything and everyone that will remind you of both him and your relationship together. This is called "moving on".

27. Return home due to family tragedy after painful breakup with new boy due to "unforeseen circumstances" and see him at your aunt's house. He kisses you, tells you he's sorry for your loss and you realize that you are not, in fact, over him at all.

28. Return to city and talk to him periodically, each time getting goose bumps and the standard issue butterflies.

29. See him when you go home. Go on a couple dates. Let him give you a simple kiss goodnight... that lasts for 20 minutes. When he leaves, collapse at your door because your knees are too weak to stand and spend the next two days trying to explain to friends in jumbled, incoherent sentences what he makes you feel still after all this time.

30. Have a 3 hour long conversation with ex where you catch up on each other's life and he tells you of his new girlfriend that he's been with for a year and a half. Pretend that your heart doesn't break into 873 pieces when he says this.

31. Repeat step#28.32. After many deep discussions with your two best friends, decide that you're going to tell him how you feel about him.

32. Engage in some heavy drinking in the days prior to seeing him to build up nerve.

33. Go on date with him. Let him kiss you. Let this lead to a little fooling around after which he drops you off at your hotel on the curb like the cheap whore you feel like, kissing you on the forehead and telling you he can't talk to you anymore because of girlfriend. Try to remember how your legs work when you walk back to your room.

34. Answer his call the next day when he says he needs to talk to you. Rush through plans with friends to finally resolve some of this bullshit so you can stop being such a goddamn loser.

35. Talk to him and tell him that while you still love him and always will you are tired of him stringing you along and playing with your emotions because he knows that he can. Tell him that you still often wish you were with him but that you have found someone else that makes you happy and that you are not afraid to be without him in your life. Halfway mean it.

36. Listen intently as he tells you he is still in love with you, still wants to be with you, but will never let himself be with you again because he is scared and never sees a future in your relationship. Pretend that the 873 pieces of your heart do not shatter into 1746 pieces.

37. Ask him to please not call you anymore. Halfway mean it. Stumble upstairs in tears and curl up under a good friend as he strokes your hair and makes you laugh.

38. Repeat step #10. Mean it this time.

39. Pick up the phone 2 months later when ex calls out of the blue and pretends as though nothing happened. Let him do it and then pretend that it doesn't bother you even when inside you are livid.

40. Agree to see him over the summer when you go home for the first time of your own accord in God only knows how long.

41. Get plenty drunk because you're nervous and try to pretend your judgment isn't at all impaired.

42. Have sex with him. Feel like a serious loser and/or whore afterwards.

43. Talk to him, tell him off, and tell him you never want to speak to him again. You cry with relief when you realize you actually mean it this time.

44. A few months later, he calls, yells at you, and hangs up on you. You are pissed beyond words at being treated like you are 12 years old and realize that you have wasted the last 4 years on a relationship that was never meant to try to be rekindled in the first place.

45. Repeat step #10 except this time it really is step #45 because you don't actually hold out any hope that you will ever talk again. You actually prefer it this way. Realize that it's about time you got over this stupidity and apologize to your friends because you have no idea how they tolerated your whining for the last 4 years.

46. Talk to a mutual friend. She informs you that he believes you are engaged to be married and that he is pissed at you because he believes that you were trying to keep it from him. Shake your head and laugh to yourself because you realize that no matter how old you get or how long the relationship has been over you are not beyond the rumor mill and being a victim of it.

47. Get an email ironically enough a few days later from ex apologizing for being an asshole and requesting that you not talk anymore. Send him a clarification email and say everything you wished you would have said many, MANY years ago and finally feel good about it.

48. Don't tell anyone about said email because you realize that you have no need to discuss it to death because it is actually the end of things.

49. Read the reply email he sends you and realize when he tells you that he loves you, it no longer gives you goose bumps and standard issue butterflies but rather just makes you sad because you realize that no matter how good you could be, it never will be.

50. Realize it's over and be actually be ok with it. Move on. For real this time.

Oh look at that!! I did it in only 50 steps. And yet it still somehow took me 4 years...

Friday, September 2, 2005

The Days of Yore

Sorry for the delay in posts loyal readers. But I'm homeless and it significantly impairs the amount of time I can spend on the intenet blogging since, you know... I don't have anywhere to live. Which, surprisingly enough, is the least of my problems.

During the last 2 weeks I've been doing a lot of work on campus with the radio station for the freshmen. I have really enjoyed all the events this week but it's been bittersweet really. It's made me really miss my freshman year.

See I had the freshman year that movies are made of. I had the PERFECT freshmen year. And with the exception of a few additions and some minor subtractions, I still have the same friends that I had 4 years ago. And I'm really quite proud of that. I love these people. They've been like family to me at times when my own family wasn't. They have tolerated me, they have loved me, hated me , supported me, taken care of me, and had so much fun with me over the last few years. There were our late night games of hide and seek and talking on the yard. There was our table in the cafe that we met at religiously every nite between 6 and 6:30 all freshman year. There were the fun times on the penthouse level in Drew, the blizzard freshman year, our first Howard vs. Hampton game, our first Homecoming and trip to 2K9, all of our trips to the movies. And though things have been pretty difficult at times and the dynamics of many relationships have changed, we're still together. And that's important to me. The idea that maybe, I have found the permanent family unit I've always wanted makes me smile on the inside. I treasure these people and our time together. I always will.

I imagine myself looking around on graduation day in May and I don't know how well I'm going to do with it. There are so many things I want to say to each of these people, so many ways I want to try to tell them how much they mean to me and how important they are to me. I don't know how I will do it, how I'll quite get it out. I imagine standing back and looking around at my family of 12 and wondering how I will ever find a group of people so wonderful, so diverse, that I am so in love with. I imagine contemplating how I would ever replace them were I to ever lose them, still struggling with the idea that that day might very well be the last time I see a few of them. I imagine it hurting acutely, but me still being very aware of the fact that it's necessary. But still, those days, as we watched the leaves turn orange, brown then green again, we all built a deep, valuable and everlasting bond that I will forever treasure no matter where I end up and who comes into my life.

I remember who we all were my freshman year and I miss us. Not because I don't want us to change, but because I remember how happy we all were then, and that feeling that resonated throughout that time together is how I hope they continue on in the rest of their lives.