Wednesday, November 30, 2005

'til Death do us Part

My mother is coming to DC next week to visit me.

For four days.

FOUR WHOLE, COMPLETE AND TOTAL DAYS.

As if life wasn't painful enough.

Yuck.

I really don't know what to do with that. I'm less than excited. She's on this whole "let's be friends I wanna be included in your life" thing and I'm just, ugh. I can't take it. She has the worst timing of any human being I've ever known. It's the last two weeks of the semester, universally known to all college students as the time of the year when you try desperately to make up for being a horribly lazy student all semester by doing crazy amounts of work on 2 hours of sleep and 30 pounds of coffee without killing yourself.
Or at least for me.

So in the middle of all that I have to play hostess? TO MY MOTHER?!? Just... yuck. Sigh.

I am doing a production of Chicago next week (no you may not come) and she's coming to see me in it. Why, I have no idea. I can't take her here. As a matter of fact, the mere thought of it just completely erased all rational thought from my brain. Gimme a minute to regain my composure...
.....
.........
.......................................

Oh yes!!!

Til death do us part...

The impending arrival of this most dreaded creature has got me wondering... We are all aware of the transient and non-permanent nature of relationships of this world. What if our relationships with our parents are truly the only non-breakable ones, the only ones that truly are until death do us part?

Ok I'll give you a minute. I know that was alot to take.

So that means that deadbeat dad that you hate... he's with you for life. That overbearing mother you (I) can't stand... she's going nowhere. You can't change them. God knows that. SO what do you do when the people you MUST live with FOREVER are the very people you can't stand and have vowed to never be a thing like?

Well I guess like any vow taken, you must learn to deal. You must take the good with the bad. And you must learn to accept people BECAUSE of their faults, not INSPITE of them. That is real and unconditional love. And can you really be 100% guaranteed that from any other source other than the people that helped raise you? I guess, you must also be objective. Ina ctuality, are your parents as bad as they seem? Or they really ALL bad? Or has your anger, bitterness and hurt distorted the image a bit? Even I, in my rare moments of maturity and clarity, can admit that my mother isn't so bad. Other people seem to like her just fine. And she's not all bad. The bad is actually just a small margin. But it's just that the bad is SO BAD...

Wait I'm getting off track.

So maybe our parents are really the only people we are truly destined to have in our lives forever. And think about it; who shapes who you are more than your parents and the relationship you have with them? So maybe that father you lost track of and haven't bothered to find, maybe you should look for him. Even if its just to say, "You know what, I hate the way you half ass parented me." Maybe your mom who you can't stand except for major Hallmark holidays you should call up, just because, and endure as much as you can possibly stand of her for as long as you can stomach it. It'll probably make her day. And besides, how many people have you had walk in and out of your life? Now how many of those can you say gave birth to you?

As for me, I'm gonna call my mama and try to tell her about my day without being as patronizing as possible. I'm even gonna listen to her complain, try to run my life from Houston and give me bad advice. I'm going to talk to her because she is my mother, because she is my 'til death do we part, because she loves me, and, underneath it all, just wants me to be her daughter. And when she gets here, I will smile and I will give my mama a hug because I haven't seen her in seven months and I will spend time with her, not hiding behind my job or school as an excuse because I know it will make her happy.

Because really, because of my faults, she still loves me more than any person in this world. And I think I can try to give her the same.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Is There a Newsletter or Something?

*Please enjoy reading the following post which comes to you in high definition delirium as I've not been to sleep in 37 hours and counting...*

I have been single now for, oh lets say a month-ish (or maybe it has actually been the EIGHT YEARS it feels like-who knows?) And somewhere along that month-ish, there has apparently been an email, mass phone tree, newsletter type deal that has been passed around to all the eligible and some not so eligible bachelors around my campus alerting them to the fact that I am, yes in fact, back on the market. This has lead to an interesting month-ish (to say the least). Lets get a list of the contestants going, shall we?

There's "I've Liked you Since Freshman Year" guy, who entirely creeped me out because I've known him for 4 years and he's somehow managed to hide any iota of suspicion that he has any sort of feeling for me. And no, I'm not that dense, ladies and gentlemen, he's just that good. And then he kinda made me sad...what were you waiting for the "right moment" through the 2 serious relationships I've been in since you met me? Loser.

Then there's "Obviously so Wrong for me it Kinda is Shocking He'd Even Try" guy who actually, ACTUALLY asked me to let him "ease my pain". Say it with me class... Yuck. You gotta be shitting me.

Then there's "Super-de-duper Ambitious Guy" who I'm actually genuinely attracted to but could never take seriously because he wants to be a club owner/party promoter (which I hear only as cameraman for Girls Gone Wild segments) and because if me and super ambitious men worked out, well I wouldn't be single and posting this at 6:56 in the morning would I?

Then there's "I'm Just Gonna be Your Friend While Secretly Plotting Ways to Use Your Weakness to Make You Realize You're in Love with Me" Guy. I think that speaks for itself. I'm grieving, not stupid people!!!

And then there's the one that poses an actual threat to what little sanity I have left; "Under the Radar We Actually Were Friends for a Long While When Both of Us Were in Relationships&Still Undeniably Attracted to Each Other&Now We're Both Single" Guy. He's the tricky one. Not skeevy like the others, not crazy or delusional or creepy in anyway. He's the guy if, I weren't so hell bent on figuring out how to become a lesbian without actually having deal with women, I would consider. The one that I let myself entertain thoughts of what would happen if we were to both allow ourselves to be victims of time&circumstance... I'm totally bullshitting. I'm not ready to like anyone. Or...talk to...humans. Its complicated too... We work together, we actually have a manageable friendship, he's someone I can be myself around and my family and friends have met and subsequently fallen in love with him...and by "family and friends" I mean Joy of course because she is both judge and jury.

Anywho, its not important. Because I've learned a valuable lesson in the last month-ish about dealing with impossible situations...
Just...don't.
Profound right?

The truth is I'm not doing so good. Which might be evident by the fact that it is 7am and I am awake. WIDE awake. I haven't been sleeping much, but you should see all the school work I've gotten done!

Ok, no. That's a lie. I've done no schoolwork. Mostly, I sit. Sometimes I walk. Really more accurately, I wander. I "walked" the other day and ended up clear on the other side of town without the slightest clue how I got there or how long I'd been out...hence the "wandering".
What was I saying? Oh yes!!
Not doing so great. I've been in my room all day, haven't really had much contact with the outside world except text messages to Joy&Carlton (whom I'm fairly certain is going to send a search party for me at any moment) and the Chinese guy who delivered my shrimp fried rice (God bless the patron saints of Dragon Express). And that's actually ok, if not preferred. I've had my phone turned off for hours at a time lately and losing that electronic leash has been pretty nice. Good way to train yourself to stop waiting for calls that never come. Day at a time I guess. Day at a time and no more tequila...that's my remedy.

Oh and another thing....my roots are driving me crazy!! I hate everything about being blond. Why did no one warn me this shit was so high maintenance? Pretty? Yes. Breakup/senior year friendly? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Anyway I digress...

I realize that I'm better than I feel and that pain is only temporary. I also realize I'll look back on this in a couple months (I give myself tile February before I become completely and utterly disgusted with myself...actually January. I can't take much more of this shit) and realize its not half as bad as it seems. And maybe I'll even be able to wax philosophical about love and loss and learning and you'll be able to read it here dear internets. In the meantime, its now 7:15am, the sun is starting to crawl across my window pane and I still show no signs of being sleepy so its time to break out the tequila to put me to sleep.

I kid, I kid!!
We all know I have no time to shop. I have a bottle of water. Maybe if I hit myself in the head with it hard enough I can get some rest.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Perfect

I have just been on "The Perfect Date". No, really. I have. It is, quite possibly the best date I've ever been on. Perfect fall night, perfect conversation, perfect dinner, just all around perfect.

So now everyone is really happy for me because you know I've found someone to ease my broken heart and make me smile right?

Well, you're half right. But mostly wrong.


The most perfect part of this date was that it wasn't romantic at all. I mean I guess for two people who have romantic feelings for each other it had the potential to be, but it wasn't. First of all, I went with Gay Husband. So for those of you who know me, you know that there's not one romantic spark at all going on there. But there's something even better; chemistry. We have great chemistry. And we just have so much fun together.

We went to Paulo's in g-town, had a wonderful dinner, the walked around the cobblestone neighborhood, hand in hand, cracking jokes, laughing way too loud and talking about whatever came to mind. I said things that, up until then, I hadn't told anyone. Was able to hold a conversation without pretending to be harder than I truly felt, strong where I felt week, or bitter when I was really just sad. And it was a welcome change to spend time with someone who loves me, unconditionally, who knows me, who understands me, who I can talk to freely without censoring myself or worrying how he will feel about what I'm going to say. The last few months, I haven't really had that. So it's been nice.

I realize that maybe I had what I was looking for all along. For the longest I thought the problem was me, my intimacy issues, my inability to consistently communicate, my lack of trust for people. But maybe that's not the case at all. Or maybe they still linger somewhere beneath the surface, waiting for the right situation in which to manifest themselves. I don't know. But I do know that somehow, I looked in the mirror, and I'm not the same little girl I used to be. I've changed and I've grown. Somewhere along the way, the issues I thought I'd harbor all my life, have lessened, dissapated, some have vanished all together. And it gives me hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, if I give myself the time to grow up, I can grow into the person I always wanted to be.

Monday, November 14, 2005

a PSA for EGASDDE: Ex-Girlfriends Against Stupidly Drunk Dialing an Ex

Friday night. Bobby Brown at Love. Me and the girls go, looking cute with just a little slutty twist. It works for us. I'm in a pretty good mood, well trying to be anyway. And I'm determined to not let the events of the past few weeks kill my night.
Then the phone rings.
Its "Cater to You".

Why I've not changed that yet I have no clue. I let it ring for awhile because, honestly, I'm fully aware that this phone call has the potential to ruin my entire weekend. And its only 9pm on Friday.

I pick up the phone. I always do. And somehow we start "talking". Ugh. Why do people talk?Almost Fiance says something, I say something and it seems like the conversation may be relatively normal. And then I say something about our breakup not being hard on him, about him walking away easily and giving up on us. He says something to the general effect of, "It wasn't easy but starting over is a hell of a lot of work. It's time consuming."

Um...

"So we're not worth it?!?" I retort, bitterness peppering my tongue like I've swallowed battery acid. He back peddles. No of course that's not what he meant. But that's all I hear.
After a year together, 3 years of knowing each other, our relationship isn't worth the time and the effort of saving.

Ok.

By now I've completely checked out of the conversation. He abruptly issues a rote goodbye and I hang up. I'm quiet for a few minutes then I decide on a course of action.



I must start drinking immediately.


And I do.

I bought my first drink and didn't buy anymore of the 7 or so I had that evening because, like I said, I was looking cute with just a sprinkle of slut thrown in. The rest of the night passes in a sweaty, drunken blur. At the end of the night the girls and I stumble our impossibly fabulous, notso sober asses to the car. I sit in the back seat and at this point I am ready to admit that that little seven minute conversation before I ever tossed back my first drink has gotten pretty far under my skin. So I decide, maybe I will call him, talk to him, try to talk some sense into his hard head. So I press&hold #5 on my speed dial and the call connects. He picks up.

"Are you drunk?" he asks me maybe 1.57 minutes into the convo.

Damn. I didn't know it would be that obvious.

I don't bother to deny it. He tries to get off the phone pretty instantly and I pretty much beg him to talk to me.

Red flag.

We start to talk. And its kinda ok. Things get a little blurry after hello. And then he says, "I tried to get you back, wanted to be with you. You said we would have to start all over. Do you know how much time that would take? How time consuming it would be? I dunno if I feel like doing that."

I've never felt more like shit in my life.

You call one phone call where you vaguely attempt to tell me you miss me and want me back an attempt at reconciliation? You mean to tell me that after everything you put me through, not once but TWICE, I'm supposed to just take you back, trust you not to just up and walk away when shit gets hard for us because YOU SAID SO?

Uh.. No.

So after a year of being there for him unconditionally, when he couldn't count on anyone else in his life, I'm not worth the effort of rebuilding what was once a great relationship.

That's fine.

In my weakened drunken state I didn't have enough time to put my guards up before all of that hit me at once. I started to cry. Then I started sobbing, big, heaving gasps of tears that made my whole body shudder. And he says, "See this is why I didn't wanna talk to you while you're drunk."

Red flag again.

Who is this man? I have no idea what happened to the man I fell for but who was the stranger on the other side of my phone? I couldn't figure it out. I stared at the phone for awhile, trying to decipher, and finally I just hung up. Not an angry pissed off, you-make-me-so-sick-I-can't- stand-to-talk-to-you kinda way, but moreso in a gentle I-really-cant-take-this-anymore-it-hurts-too-much kinda way. He calls right back, livid. We talk for awhile longer. Until silence engulfs both ends of the phone.

"I don't know what to tell you," he says to me, slightly quiet, almost ashamed.

I sigh and realize that I'm not so drunk that I can't recognize when I've lost. I tell him I'm gonna get some sleep. I hang up the phone without saying goodbye. Because really, there is no need. We already know.

Sunday, November 6, 2005

I Just... Can't

I'm trying.

Really I am.

Very hard. But I just can't seem to get it together. I get a little bit closer to together and.... YANK!! It's snatched backwards just outta my reach.

Sigh.

I'm not handling things well really. To be quite honest about it. (Which I'm not very often.) I put on a good front. I make it look good from the outside. But on the inside, well I'm all bubble gums and scotch tape, barely holding myself together at the badly disguised seams.

I haven't been talking to people much. I don't have much to say. And the one person I wanna talk to, need to talk to...well... Notsomuch.

Truth is I just can't stomach too much human contact nowadays. I just can't take it. I just can't handle listening to anyone else's problems right now, cannot possibly fathom pretending to be ok when I'm not. And I know. I know that's what is expected of me. I am La the fixer, La the role model, La the "she's got it all together". And I can't imagine putting on a happy face and going out into the world as the same girl I've always been. Friday night I tried to drum up some company, but my heart wasn't in it. I stayed home and washed clothes, randomly wandered the streets, halfheartedly engaged in some AIM convos. I spent the entire evening lonely, waffling between being sad about being alone and wandering how I could ever stand the sight and sensation of being around people again.

I got a tattoo. On my right wrist. Its a symbol for war. (Maybe it means slutty;who REALLY knows?) It seemed appropriate for the current phase in my life. I'd like, one day, to get another tattoo on the other wrist that means peace. Maybe one day I'll know what that's like long enough for it to make sense for me to get it. Maybe. But it seems like every time I find some peace it leaves as quickly as it pretended to settle in.

I just...can't. Can't take it. I'm tired. Of it all really. But I know that the world doesn't stop for me being tired. Really the only pause comes from having people in your life that know how to fleetingly make the world stand still. And I can't stand exposure to people so...its a viscious cycle really.

Sigh.



"And I seem so small among the world, so tiny within the confines of universal space, that I, without wings strong enough to carry me, stay grounded, eyes to the sky, tears like raindrops falling unfelt into a sewer nearby"

Thursday, November 3, 2005

Damage

You know how when someone abuses a puppy real bad, how it gets kinda skittish around people? Like, if someone has kicked or hit a puppy how its kinda scared around people? Like how if you scream or drop something, turn on the vaccum or come at the puppy very quickly, theyre little eyes get tight and wide with fear? Poor puppies. They don't wanna be scared. But its instinct, purely. They can't help it. After they've weathered so much abuse its only natural that they be kinda skittish, somewhat terrified at the thought of human contact.

Sometimes I feel like a puppy. Why do people keep coming at me quickly? Why do they keep making sudden, loud noises? I keep telling people to handle me gently, don't push me, don't rush me, don't back me into a corner. And yet, they still continue to do things they know will scare me and wonder why my natural instinct is to run, to avoid human contact.

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

A Whole Lot of Ranting and a Lil Bit of Raving

Ok.

So everyone who knows me knows how much I love my phone. But there are times when I do not like my phone. Like when it cuts off for no reason because I dropped it in a puddle a few weeks ago. Or like when it loses signal for no apparent reason. Or like when my mother calls. But the time I hate my phone the most is when I receive messages that remind me that people are shit.

Woo saa.

Anyway, couple weeks ago I get a message asking me the details about some plans I had with some of my friends. No problem right? Except one thing... this message is from someone that I haven't heard from in MONTHS and has basically written me and all the people I love off as selfish, immature failures who are BENEATH said individual.

Ok.
Woo saa again.

So... why does this bother me so much? Because from someone who finds so little in me to love, feels that I'm such a horrible friend and person, and would rather cut me off in a self-righteous haze of newfound "power" carefully excused as a pursuit of deeper religious fortification as to not be questioned or scorned for fear of backlash... wait I got a little wordy and forgot my point...

Oh yes!!!

From someone who hasn't so much as called me and has closed themselves off to building and maintaining meaningful relationships and then has the nerve to blame the world for their emptiness, well that's just too much for me. And I'm tired of not saying anything. I am tired of people who are so quick to write people off because they don't fit into their lives neatly and perfectly in correlation to "where they're going". Why is it that people are so concerned about the destination anyway? Isn't the journey that makes you whole, therein including these people you encounter along the way?

Don't get me wrong. I am a wholehearted supporter of cutting people off. When they deserve it. But thus brings me to the real point of this post... DO NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES assume that your cutting yourself off from people out of pretense of you being so "beyond" them has anything to do with spiritual, intellectual or emotional growth as much as it does fear. I have known scared peoeple all my life, we are all, essentially, scared people. But to intentionally yet vaguely dismiss someone from your life because you, in your current self-righteous and self-important state, can't stand to fathom that maybe you don't have people in your life that you can depend on because you have not allowed for?!? That's bullshit. You are a bullshit person.

I am all for personal growth. I also recognize that said growth might involve you having to cut some people out of your life. It's only natural that you grow beyond people when you mature. Everyone has had to go through this, yes? Show of hands? Yes, all of you? That's what I thought. HOWEVER, personal growth is not at the insult and detriment of others and the relationships that you sustain with them. Personal growth is not about insulting the people who have tried to be present and consistent parts of your life. PERSONAL GROWTH IS NOT SHITTING ON PEOPLE'S EFFORTS AT FRIENDSHIP WHEN YOU ARE COMPLETELY SECRECTIVE, SNEAKY, FURTIVE AND, EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE.

WOO.... SAA.

I hate judgemental people. Drives me absolutely nuts. Completely, totally and 200%. Because no one every knows anyone completely. You never know someone's heart, what they've been through, and who's to say that what you're going through is any more important or significant than anyone else? Hell, if even Rae can find it in her beautiful heart to have sympathy for me while I'm whining over a breakup while she's battling cancer, EVERYONE IN THIS ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD CAN BE A LITTLE MORE TOLERANT AND UNDERSTANDING. Judging people because it makes you feel better about your faults, your shortcomings that you refuse to see or are not ready to deal with is UNACCEPTABLE. How DARE YOU dismiss me, judge me, lump me together with the sum of the rest of the world and then send me a message asking if you can join in on my plans!!! That is BULLSHIT. Completely, totally and utterly. And what's even more disappointing is that people would rather miss out on meaningful, valuable relationships that may not be forever but can be pretty temporarily permanent if only you'd open up and put some genuine effort in, allow yourself to be affected. If only you would show a little bit of who you truly are rather than reflecting simultaneously parts of the personalities you are around.

Novel thought, I'm sure.

So in closing, let me say that if you are someone who feels as though they can judge and preach at someone for not being what you feel is acceptable to your "personal forward progression" then the problem is probably not with the person you choose to cut off. The problem more than likely is YOU. Reflect inwardly a little bit. Maybe if you weren't so busy crying about how fucked up others have been to you, you could see how fucked up you are in your need to hold yourself in higher regard than you do anyone else. We are all human, we all have faults, we all do things that we are not proud of. But to say that you are better than someone, that you are "beyond" someone, to judge and to make light of their struggles and pains which they have chosen to share with you, NOT because they had to but because they were trying to let you in... well that's not progressive at all. You're actually stepping backwards. It's a lonely life up there atop that pedistal you erroneously placed yourself on. You must really start to feel it around homecoming huh?

O.... K.

Wife have I said too much?