Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Dear Friend

I miss you.

It's that simple, really, where everything else is so complex.

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of you at least once. And each time I do, my stomach falls a few inches lower, the back of my mouth tastes metallic. The moment passes, coming in waves that are becoming shorter as time goes on. I shake myself off. I do something. But you're still there. Standing in the corner. Watching me.

Mostly I think about who we were. We were friends once, right? I remember so many nights staying up and talking to you. How every conversation over all the years I've known you has flowed easily like water. I never got tired of talking to you. The sun always seemed to surprise us when it came up and signaled that we'd be crazy to continue our conversation.

We were crazy a few times, I remember.

Your voice was always so captivating to me. So commanding and soothing at the same time. A balance between powerful and vulnerable, an aphrodisiac to my ears. Not in a sexual way, far deeper than that. You moved me. The timbre of your voice always affected me. It's why I'd text so much more often than call. Because sometimes just hearing you threw me off balance. Your voice always got to me. I don't think I ever told you that.

You knew me well, right? I mean, I feel as though you knew me on such a profound level, and I you. I knew every tone of your voice, every gesture. I KNEW you, I think. We were friends, right? I can't think of a conversation we haven't had. I can't think of a thing we haven't shared, good, bad or indifferent. Unflinchingly honest, and so damn intense.

We had such a connection, you and I. Nothing else like it. It was so profound even when we were silly, so deep even when we spoke on the superficial. So intensely hypnotic, like a song no one else could understand, but we knew every word to. I sang our tune so often the world seems in discord now that the melody is so foreign to me.

We had that kind of forever love that so few attain. We had it, right there in our palms, and we dropped it, so carelessly. So sure it was permanent, we took it so forgranted.

Of course, that was meant to be part of our journey as well.

Now that we don't speak, it hurts. It cuts so deeply, that I can't bring myself to think about it, not being your friend, walking the course of my life without you.

I'm thinking about it now.

Even when you weren't around, I carried you with me. You were always in the corner, watching me, like you always said you would. I could feel you, nowhere near me, but always within arms reach.

And now, the distance is cavernous, so wide, so vast that we is just a memory now, an old song I can only remember bits and pieces of, but never the whole thing. I've lost it, somewhere, just as I've lost you.

Now that I've gotten some distance from things, Ive come to realize so many things I was blind to before. Big things and small things, but important things nonetheless. I don't think I we were ever meant to stay in each other's lives. God, that hurts to admit. Maybe what we thought was forever was just seasonal, and maybe we hurt each other so badly because we tried to hold on to our spring long after winter had stolen its color. It's just so cold now, this distance, and it eats at me to know that this is how it is to be.

I miss you, is all. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember us, as we were, and for a moment, you are my friend as I knew you and all is well, our laughter strung high in the clouds, night turning into daybreak on our conversations, the smooth, intoxicating rhythm of your voice. But then, I'm back Here, and I remember things as they Are. Each day it breaks my heart a little more. I don't know if it'll ever stop hurting. But I know it's best.

There is a song that reminds me of you. I can't bear to listen to it because it reminds me of you and it never fails to make me cry. Laylah Hathaway and Joe Sample. I think you'd like it, simple piano, beautiful harmonies. She sings and it breaks my heart.


And now you're doing well
From stories I hear tell
You own the world again
Everyone's your friend
And though I never hear from you
Still it's nice to know
You used to love me so
When your life was low

You
used to love
me so
When your life
was low


I know now that I won't feel you anymore, that I won't turn around and you'll be there in the corner, watching over me the way you promised you always would. And that hurts. But it's right. There was a time when we were as I always hoped we would be, and I cherish that. And despite all that has happened, I'll always believe you used to love me so.

Eat Shit and Die

That is what I wanna tell the bitches I used to work for at the company I used to work for.

Long story short, they strung together a half ass scheme to get rid of me with paper clips and bubble gum. This all went down the same day I came in to give my 2 weeks notice.
They coulda been rid of me without all this commotion.

Instead, I made my attorney make them pay me to go away.

:-)

I rarely fuck with people. Mostly because I'm well aware of how viscious I can be when I feel threatened. That plus the fact that I'm a fairly easy going person, as I have been since I started working for this company. So I guess my silly nature allowed some people to underestimate me.

From what I understand, certain people involved with this situation are being "disciplined". I love karma.

I said all that to say please forgive my lack of updates a Vegas recaps. It's been crazy these last 2 weeks. It's kinda been a blessing in disguise because it's forced me to really start making plans to do something different. More on that later.

In the meantime, I have to figure out how to get my puppy to stop pooping on my carpet, lol.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

It could have been any one of the people I love. It could have been the campus I walked for 4 years. It could have been my classmates, my friends, my boyfriends, sisters, brothers that were gunned down while sitting in class.


After I heard about the V Tech shooting, I reached out to everyone I loved. You never realize just how fragile the threads of life are until they are broken.
So I revel in the strength of the ties that bind.

It could have easily been my beloved Howard. And I am so greatful that it was not.

I pray peace over those affected by the tragedy in Virginia. I hope that they not go forward in anger and vengence but rather find the stillness of heart that comes only from learning to love that which we once took for granted.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Our Prejudices, Ourselves

Harvey Firestein said everything I wanted to say. Go here to read his absolutely brilliant op ed piece in The New York Times.

We don't get to choose what prejudice is acceptable.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Vegas Recap

THURSDAY APRIL 5TH


Ahhhh its my birthday bitches!!! I'm dead tired after staying up all night waiting til the last minute to pack (cuz that's what I do). Seriously though, I didn't need to stress because packing was easy... I took my whole closet.

I'm standing in line at the airport to get my ticket. I've got on my super cute plane outfit (heather gray Gap Body sweats, magenta stripe down the side, tight in all the right places, matching cuffed sweatshirt hanging off one shoulder, superhigh magenta Nine West wedges) and as I present my ID to the ticket guy I tell him its my bday and I'm on the way to Vegas. What does he do? UPGRADES ME TO FIRST CLASS BABY!!! AND GIVES ME ACCESS TO THE FIRST CLASS LOUNGE!!! This rocks!!!

Once I finally get to Vegas after a layover in Denver for ALL MY NATURAL LIFE I meet my sister at baggage claim. Yaaaaay! *insert squeals here* After a little bit of mix up with where my bags are coming from and trying to ignore our skin burning from the legion of Alphas staring at us, we get my bags, get a cab and get to the hotel. In the cab, the driver is thoroughly intoxicated by how charming we are and we pick his brain for places to go. We get to the room, put our stuff down, change and hit the strip. First we must eat. And by eat, I mean drink, lol. We end up at La Salsa, a Mexican restraunt that turns out to have good food and be the home of the Yard Margarita, so called because the cup it is served in is the size of a yardstick. Ahhh heaven. We end up sitting at the bar and making friends with all the bartenders including Adam, who's serving us. We tell him it's my birthday and the drinks shots start coming. One called a Blow Job and another called a Wet Pussy. You can see the theme of our trip, lol.

The rest of the night is kinda blurry. Damn margaritas, lol.

Monday, April 9, 2007

It Feels so Good to be Back!!!

Hello!
*silence*

GODDAMMIT I SAID HELLO!!!!!!!

That's better, lol.

Hi all. I've been inspired to write. You'll be treated to lots of yummy posts I've been writing on my sidekick. In the meantime here's a list of things that are new:

1. I gotta new puppy. She's the cutest thing ever!!! She's been sick with pnuemonia but she's getting better. Lots of cute pics to come!

2. I don't talk about my job often but the last couple months have been... interesting. These... interesting times have resulted in me trying to pursue... alternate means of which to alleviate the stress these... interesting times have caused. Less vague info coming soon!

3. I have braces. And not the clear kind or Invisalign. Good old fashioned metal, rail road track braces. Seriously, you never realize just how vain you are til you realize you'll be 23 with braces.

4. Speaking of being 23 I SPENT MY BIRTHDAY IN VEGAS (BABY!)!!! Soooooo great. AHHHHHH! The drinks! The people! The gambling! The food! THE DRINKS!!! Ahem. A recap is coming soon. Right now I'm sitting in the airport about to go back to stupid Houston. Loser week is gonna suck SO HARD!!!!

Missed ya. Be back soon.