Monday, January 14, 2008

Solitaire

Since I moved to Houston, I've spent alot of time alone. I go out to eat alone, I shop alone, I go to the movies alone, I go for walks alone. Sometimes I get in my car and just drive the vast expanse of the city. Sometimes music blaring from the speakers. Sometimes silent.

But always alone.

It's ironic of course being that I've never been the type to ever be alone. My personality demands that people be drawn to me. It's inevitable. Wherever I am, usually there so are people.

But not now.

The past (alomst) 2 years have certainly been lonely ones.

When I interviewed for my part time job, my future manager posed the question as to whether I'd been burnt out working 5 days a week full time and 4 days a week part time. It's the only time I remember stuttering over an answer, as I'm generally emensely impressive in interviews.


"Well," I started and immediately faultered. "I , um, I'm not really from here," clearing my throat, "and I, uh, don't really know too many people here. So um," swallowing hard, "if I wasn't here or working I'd just be, you know," shrug, "at home. Me and the dog. Just... me and the dog."

I remember chastising myself on the inside, telling myself I'd never forgive me if I cried in a goddamn job interview.

I opened my mouth. Closed it. Opened it again to try and somehow make my answer sound less pitiful. Closed again. I turned my head to compose myself.

"It wouldnt be an issue. All through college I worked a job or sometimes 2, took between 7 and 9 classes each semester and still participated in various school activities. Time management is key and that is one of my strengths. That was certainly more stressful than this. This is what I do."



This is what I do.



Honey won't leave my side. Wherever I go in the house, she goes. If I go in the garage she must come. She won't even go out in the backyard to use the bathroom unless she knows I'm within a few feet that she can cover quickly. When I first got her, I thought it was just because she was new and getting used to me, to us, to the house. And yet here we are, almost a year later, and she still does the same.

Sometimes she looks up at me and whimpers. As of late I've started to notice that she does it mainly when I'm feeling lonely. She'll come and nuzzle the backs of my knees. She'll lay across my feet. She'll curl up in a tight ball next to me, her head craddled in my lap. If I scratch slowly behind her right ear, she'll fall fast asleep. Sometimes we nap on the couch like 2 old ladies.

She never moves.

Even if she wakes up first, she's always still right up under me when I stir. She'll poke her head up. Cock her head to the side. She'll gaze at me curiously, waiting for the moment my feet hit the floor before she makes any moves. Sometimes she lets me sleep. Sometimes she shakes me with her paw until I get up and feed her or let her out. Sometimes she just watches me or wiggles in closer to me when I shiver from the cold (I'm always cold).

It's funny because, in alot of ways, we have the same temperment. Sometimes we just don't feel like playing, and other times we live for the attention we get from our captive audience. Neither of us really knows how to be alone.
But being alone has kinda kept us from knowing how to be with people.

Honey was horribly sick when I adopted her. Had I brought her in to the vet, the said, even a week later, she would have died. When I got to the pound, she was in a cage by herself. Curled up in a little ball in the back, far away from the door. Her back was turned to the walkway. She never barked. Up until that point, I'd decided on a little jack russell terrier with tons of energy that I'd seen upfront. Something told me, for whatever reason, to just walk towards the cages in the back of the room.

And there she was.

She lifted her head when I stopped in front of her cage. She sauntered over to the door and looked up at me for a long moment. The she plopped down on her stomach right beneath the release to the cage and gave me a look that said, "Well?"

She didn't make a sound as they were cleaning her up, getting her ready to come home with me. When the amanager put her in my arms, wrapped up in a wet towel, fur still damp from her recent bath, I remember her shivering. She gave me this look that I took to mean she trusted me despite how unkind her previous owners had been to her. I didn't take it lightly. I zipped her up inside my hoodie, wet fur and all. I talked to her as I walked to the car, told her that we'd get her all better, that she'd grow up big and strong and we'd hang out and play and run and climb things and roll around outside. I remember she sneezed. And then she wiggled her little tiny self as best she could into the space between my breasts. She closed her eyes and slept.

I took a picture of her that day, curled up on the passenger seat that, to this day, she refuses to relinquish to anyone else if she's in the car. She was so tiny. So sick. And yet still so sweet and kind natured.

Today Honey is much bigger, but she's still the same dog. She has more energy because she's not sick anymore and I can barely keep up with the little bit of energy that working 2 jobs doesn't suck outta me. She's at least 3 feet longer, can put her front paws on my shoulders when she stands on her hindlegs. But she still hardly ever barks. She's still sweet. She still sleeps curled in a tight ball.

Now honey sleeps at my head. Every once in awhile at night when I'm tossing and turning, I wake up to find her sitting next to the bed and watching me intently. I'll pat her head. She waits until I'm still again and my eyes are closed and then she lays down. Always. When I put my feet on the floor in the morning, she's always right there by my side, eagerly waiting for us to start our day.

She gives me hope that one day I can learn how not to be alone. That I can learn to strike the balance between flourishing in the neccessary alone times, and seeking to be where the people are. She makes me think that I can grow that way. That I can change, evolve, adapt.



Because that's what I do.




22 comments:

chocomimosa said...

GO COWBOYS!!!!!!!!!! ;)

***You may not be fond of being alone, but sometimes it is necessary to be physically and emotionally on our own. This does not mean becoming a hermit whilst never participating in life. It DOES mean, however, that you will need to build up enough strength to become "whole" by yourself, without having to rely on others for love or support.

Epsilonicus said...

I live alone now too. I know how you feel. Its weird. But as Chocomomosa said, I have had to learn to get used to it. I feel comfortable, not all the time, but it starting to come.

jameil1922 said...

awww!! HONEY!! i love you for loving la!!! so cute and sweet that one. i can just tell. i should def. write about my aloneness. i thought abt it earlier but now it shall def. be done.

Ms. Behaving said...

Awww...Honey is soooo cute and it's obvious she absolutely adores you!!!

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

i love dogs. so intuitive.

DollFace said...

Alone in a large city...I know exactly how you feel.

CNEL said...

I don't do animals, but that sounds like a wonderful relationship.

Damn, depending on what I do after May, I hope to God I'm not too alone. I do alright by myself, but I'm an admitted Mama's boy.

Vdizzle said...

Aww, yay for the Honeys!!

Mr.Slish said...

Dogs. Mans and now La's best freind...lol

the joy said...

Aw, pheebs... Lol. *Hug* Texas is definitely shaping up to be a learning experience. I can see you're growing.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

dang u making me sad....happy nappy new year

Caesar Cannon said...

Not really a dog (animal in general) person period, but it's sweet that you have such a close relationship with your dog. pseudo-touching to me

Chris said...

awwwww, a lady and her pooch! I love that she's so damn loyal to you, like she has her spots and you guys have a routine, that's just the sweetest thing to me. Hang in there!

B. Good said...

Aww, she's so cute! How sweet that she stays by your side, even with your tossing and turning, lol. She's probably better company than anything you could ask for. But I know how ya feel being alone.

I need a lil dog to keep me company, if only they'd let me have pets in my building. *sigh*

La said...

Chocomimosa Oh. The Cowboys :-(

Yeah that whole "not becoming a hermit" thing is what I kinda failed at, lol

Epsi I think the difference is that it's one thing to go home and CHOOSE to be alone, its another to be cicumstancially froced to be alone.

Jam she really is the sweetest thing. I got really lucky with her. And you should write about something other than tv and food, lol

Ms Behaving of COURSE she adores me. Like, who doesn't? lol

Stace they really are. I know cats are supposed to be intellectually superior but I think the dogs may secretly be on the comeup, lol

Dollface it BLOWS

Cnel it wont be so bad. It's all about finding balance between what your life dictates and what you want for it.

V you say that now til I let her tackle you when you come visit, lol

Slish I'm the closest thing to a dude a chick can get so it still counts, lol

Joy hahahahaha "Oh I just thought that's what we called each other." I geuss. Growing experience, schmowing experience. BOOO TX lol

Aw Torrance dont be sad. Happy New Year and shit! lol

Caesar LMFAO@ "psuedo touching" lol

Chris dogs really are the most loyal creatures. No matter what kinda mood I'm in or what I look like at the time, she always wants to love on me. She knows what the garage door sounds like so when I come home she's always waiting by the door. AWWWW! She makes me day :-)

b. good she really is great company. It's so cruel to not allow dogs. That's my biggest fear about moving; I can't even stand to think that I might not be able to take her with me

X Factor said...

Yeah I turned down a DEE-LUXE apartment in the sky in the financial district because they wouldn't take Stone. Looking back, it was a good move because that place would've had me BANKRUPT! But as soon as they told me I was approved, but I couldn't bring my dog, I burst into tears!!

Yeah Honey :)

DiamondsR4eva said...

What a cute dog! I need to get a pet one of these days, I'd trade him/her for these 3 roommates anyday!

jameil1922 said...

batch.

Ms.Lady said...

you just made me think of my pit that past away in 03'...he was the sweetest dog..for some reason i feel THEY choose US..
Great story missy..so sweet.

Mr. Jones said...

I love my pooch. He's a year old rottie. The little fucker made me cut my hand this morning tho. Bastard.

I know all about being lonely in a big city.

Divine Blackness said...

I can attest to being alone in a big city too. Wow! The first few paragraphs describe me to a tee. I have got to get a little pup!

Rashan Jamal said...

This almost made me forget that I can't stand dogs... almost. I'm sure your dog is different though. LOL

Seriously, this joint was heartfelt.