Monday, February 25, 2008

Things That are Likely to Make La Fuck You Up

... ON. SIGHT.



1. Looking at me.
Like that. Quit it. May I help you? Are you infatuated by my shiny ponytail? Is it something about my earrings that move you? You've never seen a 23 year old with braces before? WHAT?!?!?! Get OUT of my goddamn mouth. Thanks.

2. Calling me.
79,816 times. In a row. I didn't pick up on time #1 and clearly everyone knows that most of the time my phone is either in my palm or in my line of eyesight. You have been screened. You left me a message. You sent me a text. You may stop now. Any further communication will cause me to be that much more hell bent on not talking to you. Stop with the jealous boyfriend type shenanigans.

3. My Dougie
WTF?!?!?! How on EARTH did you get a goddamn recording contract? I heard this song exactly 987,164 times this weekend. On the radio, in the club, on the street. It's the worst. AND you have the nerve to have a dance that goes with it? Hoe sit down. And you. You there. Yes you sir with the long tshirt whose length is rivaled only by my high school prom dress. You look like a homo doing that shit. Exit stage left.

4. Telling me I doesn't need to lose weight.
Are you HIGH?!?! I know, I know, you're not supposed to agree with a friend when she says she needs to lose weight. Thanks for being a good friend and blah, blah, blah. Yes, I know I am not grossly obese or ridiculously outta shape. But don't lie to me. And don't provoke me. And to that end...

5. Saying stupid shit.
I'm on a diet because I have 7 weeks until I am in Miami and I refuse to go without looking far more than decent in whatever non-clothing I decide to wear. I'm hungry. I'm irritable. And you're liable to get your throat snapped if you say something like, "But maybe she really was just a friend of his that crashed at his place last night." Right. And I have a Tony for my rousing portrayal of Tracy Turnbladt in Hairspray. (I'm really not that big.) And to THAT end...

6. Telling me what ridiculous, greasy awesomeness you're having for dinner.
Up to and especially including french fries, which I have given up. **blank stare** Fuck you.

7. Being a cop.*
Do you know I got a speeding ticket? And for once in my existence I wasn't even speeding? And the cop was such a DICK about it too. I thought about just paying the fine and going on with my life, but the more I started to look at the ways that not only was I NOT guilty but it was quite OBVIOUS there's no way he could have even clocked me on the radar, I decided to contest it. If for no other reason than I refuse to give $200 to fund your bullshit job you piece of shit traffic cop.

*if you are a cop, please excuse this. I don't hate all cops. Well that's not true. But I don't hate you. Just what you do. And everything you stand for. You see? That's different.

8. Jumping in my conversation.
If I wanted to address you, I would do so. Do you see how I'm not making eye contact with you, how I have created a hard line with my body to purposely send the signal that you are excluded from this conversation? And yet you come and stand over me anyway and join in? Or better yet, catch an insignificant snippet of the convo and run with it, all in the wrong direction? A pox on both your houses.

9. Asking me for a favor.
When I haven't spoken to you in months. This is my life people. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

10. Having to relate to every story.
More often than not with bullshit. You know how people Oprah-ize your shit? You ever notice that for every story someone goes on Oprah and tells, she has a life story paralleling it? Just sit down and listen. Shit. I didn't ask you for your autobiography. We're talking about me. Hush.

11. Text message forwards.
Are you fucking kidding me? It's not bad enough that I haven't actually spoken to you in any shape form or fashion since Jesus discovered flip flops and yet you wanna send me random texts? FORWARDS nonetheless? Didn't I avoid this by not checking my email? Sonofabitch!!! And speaking of communication...

12. Calling me while I'm having sex.
This is the buddy to #2. But if you keep calling me, and I'm having sex, chances are, eventually I'm gonna pick up the phone since you are hell bent on getting in on the show. After that point I am no longer responsible for anything you hear regarding me getting it in.

13. Invading my personal space.
Excuse me, kind Texas sir. I know that you have only a passing intimacy with English as your first language is whatthefuckdidhejustsayhoustonian but didn't I just tell you that I am not single nor looking? And yet and still, you are all up in my face, breathing your silver teeth that you are trying to pass off as platinum breath on me and asking if I'm allowed to have friends. **looking down at my notatall small rack, behind me at the curve of my ass** Yeah. Friends. I look like I have a sparkling wit, yes? No Fido. I already have Honey. I don't need another. Oh, and now your hand is on the small of my back? Real talk? Forgive me for stabbing my 4 inch heel into the top of your foot. I thought the elephants were stampeding and I needed to make sure I could stay upright. Gimme 50.

14. Talking to me about the weather.
Yeah, I know. It's raining. Oh look now it's sunny! Oh and now it's gray. Weather in Houston is temperamental! What a revelation! Get outta my damn face.

15. Asking me repeatedly for advice.
When I've already told you that I am probably not gonna be too much help in said arena. You want advice about shoes? Electronics? Cars? Movies? Sex? I'm in. Notsomuch with marriage advice though, other than telling you shoulda never married the pervert in the first place. And dammit now you're mad.

16. Trying to charge me $14,982 for a plane ticket.
To downtown Houston. With a straight face. Are you kidding me Delta? You want how much for a 2 hour flight? Wtf?!?!? Am I gonna get some kinda special in flight entertainment in this hoe? For that much someone better be available to blow me at my leisure in the bathroom. Fuck outta here.

17. Mumbling.
WHAT?!?!??! Enunciate nigga. Muttering to yourself like you have another personality who is constantly telling you to kick puppies into traffic is not swag friendly. Nor does it make me particularly inclined to fulfill your request to let you "sop me up wit a biscuit." And furthermore, why are you so wack?

18. Bad weave.
You mean to tell me that you look like you and Britney Spears had a sleepover and did each other's hair and you have the nerve to tell me, "You know you'd look really pretty if you wore your hair differently." Who bitch? And then you have the nerve to slip me your card in case I want to utilize your services? Your hair is literally growling at me from on top of your neck and you want to get hold of my natural and beautiful hair? Good on that.

19. Being negative.
And not how this post is rude and offensive and negative in a totally delightful fun kinda way but like that "oh that won't work" before you even try kinda way. Just try. DO something. Aren't you tired of talking about how much your life sucks? Cuz Lord knows I am tired of hearing about it and if you don't get off your lazy ass and start making some plans to do something other than run up my goddamn daytime minutes bitching about what you don't have and can't have and won't do I swear 'fore God it'll be the last thing you do in this here life. Tabernacle in the church.



Can you tell that I'm kinda having a bad day? :-(

And last but not least...

20. When people tell me to "feel better".
Or "keep your head up." Or "it all happens for a reason." Or "focus on the positive." **blank stare* Fall back. Today sucks. I'll be better tomorrow (hopefully). But I swear 'fore God if one of you leaves one of those bullshit trite ass cliches in comments, only the fishes will find your body.






So tell me, what is something that is likely to make you fuck someone up today?

25 comments:

durtymo said...

I am seriously crackin da fuk up!!! That made my lil day!! LMBAO @ #1, 10, 11, 14 and 19. This shyt is priceless!

Chris said...

Uh...yeah darlin, DEFINITELY not trying to get on your bad side. Wowsers.

As far as things to make me want to drop somebody with a DDT, one of my major pet peeves, people that can't take no for an answer. When I say I can't do something, or won't do something, that is NOT an invitation to keep asking, thinking you'll wear me down. Instead, I'm more than likely to tell you to go get in the 69 with a lemur.

Vdizzle said...

I surely should not have read this at work. I almost fell over laughing.

5 - tell your friend if she believes that shit then I gotta bridge in Brooklyn to sell her

13 - eff the stiletto. I'd have to ask him why the FUCK he had his hands on me.

What I hate is when a raggedy ass man stares at me for 20 mintues while trying to act stupid with friends and after all my ignoring, as I pass you say "ha you doin'" TO MY ASS!!

I will not acknowledge your stank ass presence

Coco said...

How about I can feel you on 5,7,8-11, 13, 15, 17-20? If you want me to hold them down while you do the business I got you!

evercurious said...

I live in Houston too. During a 10 minute drive I was cut off 5 times. By the 5th time I had to yell "F*ck you!" While flipping the last driver off. I was fed up.

I feel you on being fed up.

Rashan Jamal said...

Hey La, I hope you feel bet... I'm playing. Your list was funny as hell.

My Get Fucked Up list???

Begging me to comment on your page... Let me do it in my own time.

Showing up outside my crib, when i didn't tell you where I live...

I guess I'm not so much in the effing people up mood today, so I can only think of 2 right now...

Christina said...

All of what you listed are what will likely have me fuck somebody up....and that's when i'm in a good mood LOL (is this sentence grammatically correct...it dont sound right lol)

the joy said...

#10 is the tyra. She will create life experiences to feel what you're feeling, like when she put on the fat suit and out-cried the actual fat chicks.
#20 I never do to you I can usually feel the glaring across the 3 states that separate us.

Also, Jesus discovered flip flops? No, seriously. Why are you the shit?

the joy said...

Oh yeah, asking me for shit when I JUST asked you if you wanted it and you said no.

And telling me you're on the way when I asked you where you were. And you only do that when you know I'm gonna be mad at the answer, so why delay it?

jameil1922 said...

LMAO @ fall back and "You there. Yes you sir with the long tshirt whose length is rivaled only by my high school prom dress... Exit stage left." and the whole rest of this post. LMAO! like mcd's i'm lovin it. know what's bound to piss me off? when people don't want to plan ahead or be prepared for ANYTHING but YOU'RE the problem when you have an attitude about the piss poor results. all together now, "FALL BACK!!"

Monie said...

Gotttttdamn this list killed me!

Cause of death: Your hair is literally growling at me from on top of your neck and you want to get hold of my natural and beautiful hair?

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!

La said...

I'm glad I could make your day Mo. Someone's shouldn't have sucked hardcore, lol

Chris it's not a pretty place to be. The good news is that it's also very hard to get there. And I HATE that! Or like, asking me the same question in a different way. grrr. "get in the 69 with a lemur" Now THAT made MY day, lol

Aww V I guess I shoulda included a warning, lol. HAHAHA I LOVE when men talk to my body parts instead of my face. It's like, you do realize that doesn't speak nor does it have ears... it does clap though ;-)

Coco hahaha! I might be enlisting your assistance sooner than you think.

Evercurious WTF IS UP WITH HOUSTON TRAFFIC?!??! I have to drive to Bellaire everyday from the NW part of town and by the time I get to work I wanna tear my eyeballs outta my head. Jesus.

RJ! *giving you The Look* oh. You fixed it. Ne'remind. hahaha I hate that shit. I always wanna be like, did it ever occur to you that I just didn't have anything to say about this particular wack ass blog you wrote? lol And the showing up at your crib stuff? Yeah babe, that's just you, lol

Chris hahaha! you're such a mess. I'm not sure if it's correct. It doesn't matter. That's not one of the things that will get you fucked up here, lol

Joy aww I do SO glare in your direction. lol You know what I hate? When I say, "How long will it take you to get here?" "About 10 min" and then 40 min later you show up. Bullshit, lol

Jam I knew you would understand. I HATE that too. LIke, how are you shocked that this is what happened? You didn't work for it in any way. BOOOOOO!

Monie I swear to Vuitton I saw a pair of red glowing eyes and heard a growl coming from somewhere around her temple. Real talk.

KeitaRae said...

Don't hurt 'em, La!

That was hellah funny. Right on funny-par with the advice for drinking. (Or actually, the what nots for drinking).

The snark was classic Monday or Humpday blues. And there's no therapy like writing about it! hehe

Hawa from
Fackin Truth Blog

Muze said...

sooo dead at this post!

i SO feel you at the 'if you wore your hair this way' thing.

Your hair is literally growling at me from on top of your neck and you want to get hold of my natural and beautiful hair?

*lying along side monie*

memphiz said...

LMAO at this post good one!!

Mr.Slish said...

DAAAAAYUM youd sound uncle Slasher!!! lol...

Ms. Behaving said...

Today I'm cool and oddly enough, I haven't entertained a single thought of kickin' a bone out of anyones @ss...

PLEASE BE ADVISED HOWEVER THAT IT'S ONLY 1:44 p.m. EST.

So gimmie a few more hours...I'm sure somebody'll get on my MUH FUGGIN' NERVES before the day ends.

LOL

shani-o said...

Lol, poor, poor wife.

B. Good said...

Ha! Yeah, my list looks something like yours.

Paula D. said...

Dizzam!

Brittany_83 said...

This post is too too funny. Sometimes I get pissed when I see someone I don't like at 8:00 in the morning. That can really mess my whole day up.

La said...

Keitarae hahahaha I do love the snark. And miraculously, I did feel better after writing it. The rest of the day was pretty damn good.

Muze what IS that?!? What makes perfect strangers think they get to judge my hair? lol

Slish, maybe I have my own alternate personality residing deep on the inside? lol

Ms Behaving LOL! I will be looking forward to it.

Shanio I knowwwwww! :-(

B. Good lets see your list!

Paula D. *shrug* it was just kinda one of those days, lol

Brittany omg YES! Me too. Especially after siiting in rush hour traffic to get to work, why is it that the first person you see is always the LAST person you wanna see?

E. Christian Wallace said...

I'm just passing through. I saw you on my friend Brittany's blog. I must say that this list is fuckin hilarious.

There aren't too many things on my list that I can think of at the moment, but repeat phone calls is certainly one of them. I'm going to have to come back more often.

Ms.Lady said...

Gurl you need FOOD...NOW!!!

You are truly pissed!! LMAO!
Im mad late but sh*t was STILL funny as hell!

What pisses me off and can make me fugg somebody up??
Asking "Why me??" when you got YOURSELF into the crappy ass situation.
Hate that!!

No cliches just cant wait til you are able to get some food..lol.

Mr. Jones said...

This shit is hilarious.