Wednesday, July 9, 2008

In (w)e Flat

I really want not to feel some kinda way about it.
I do.

But I feel some kind of way about it.



Reasonably speaking, it's petty. But it's not. It's big. It's major. It's important.

To me.



Patience... or... something.



But the way I want it to be, need it to be, is not solely my decision. But I have to deal with it. Until I decide not to deal with it anymore.

And I don't wanna be that guy.


But I know, in essence, because it is what it is, that the time will come when we have to choose. And I say 'we' loosely, because, well, I am always the one to choose.


Because I don't like contingencies.
And I am getting too old for fairy tales.
And I deal in real.
And I've already wasted so much time.


Contentment is something so easily lost and so rarely gained that it seems almost counter productive, because I am content.
Obviously.

But 'content' to me is like 'reasonably happy'. Why settle for 'reasonably' when I can be 'deliriously'?


I fear the fallout, I think. Not because I am not equipped to deal with fallout but because I don't know if I am prepared to deal with this fallout.

Yet.



And because I don't want to.

And that's silly.

But it's real.




In the meantime though, it still hurts. It may be invisible but there is still a heavy weight to it all. And I'm carrying it. Because I chose to.

Now.


Because I know that when I set it down, everything is set into motion.



It's the kind of thing that can tear people apart. Families. Love.
It is.


I know.


But I also know that at some point...


I'm going to set it all down.



19 comments:

Rashan Jamal said...

What's up Cryptic! It's me, Nosy. Can you tell me exactly what you are talking about? Please and Thank You!

the joy said...

Sigh. I know.

Muze said...

wow. this is obviously personal cause i have NO IDEA what you're speaking of. lol.

seems heavy though. i'll pray for you girl.

i know what you mean about not wanting to deal with the fallout though. sigh. i really do.

one of these days i'm gonna hit you on the IM you like so much. haha.

*hugs*

DollFace said...

Whatever La needs to do to make herself happy...

...do it.

Opinionated Diva said...

I am so confused.

Beautifully written...as always...but...whatchou talkin bout Willis?!

youknowyoudeadazzwrong said...

Sheesh.. I think I read that like five times tryna figure out what's really going on. *sigh* If you wanted us to know, you would've said so but I can't help it..I'm nosy! Sue me. What has happened that you want to "set it down"? Rhetorical question but I'm just saying... take a few days, step back from it, talk about it with whoever else is involved and make an informed decision..not an emotional one. I'm just saying.. *sigh*

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

I have no idea what you are talking about but I feel you all the same.

jameil1922 said...

Why settle for 'reasonably' when I can be 'deliriously'? indeed.

cherry's kid said...

don't settle...run wild at all times!

Vdizzle said...

...I say go for it

Qucifer said...

No one said letting meaningful things end was not supposed to be painful, but again

Reasonably Vs Delirious? there should be no settling

La said...

Everyone is saying that there should be no question about it... that I should do whatever it is that will make me 'deliriously happy'...

But what if we aren't talking about a romantic relationship? What if we are talking about tearing an entire family apart? Then what?

Same answer?

Epsilonicus said...

Ahhhh, you have hit upon one of the most difficult questions ever: to do good for ourselves or do for the greater good of others. That is impossible to answer.

DollFace said...

What if we are talking about tearing an entire family apart? Then what?

If "it" will tear a family apart, then does their ignorance of "it" mean they are living a lie?

If so, then I stand by my answer.

X Factor said...

I agree with dollface. A family will always be a family... no matter how far apart they're blown, they ALWAYS find their way back. The truth is painful, but it won't change by keeping it a secret.

jameil1922 said...

wait wait wait wait. you come up here all cryptic then don't like our answers b/c you held back info. I'M NOT PLAYING UNTIL YOU GIVE ME PROPER DETAILS!! *hmph!*

Blah Blah Blah said...

I think I wrote the exact same cryptic post a few days ago...

My logical self warring with my illogical self...do I stay or do I go.

Saying, I'm not done...but I am done with this.

Yea..I think I know where you might be coming from...and if not..then...

Qucifer said...

I'ma be with x factor, for instance, and as the daughter of divorced parents (and a HORRIBLY UGLY on at that)... I much prefer my parents Happy, in spite of the divorce, in spite of how people on the outside made them both feel, in spite of the immediate and long term level of ugly that things got to, that how it was: these two individuals just clearly hating each other, clearly mean spirited, hanging by a thread.. ugh, just ughh!

and fuck it anyone that loves you be it as it may that they might not be initially happy with what you have to say will MUCH sooner see you as a happy well adjusted functioning adult than slowly withering away cause Status Quo is not enough for you, might NOT ever be enough for you and eventually is gonna start showing in your face, so be as thoughtful and caring as possible in your words and actions and handle yours!

hawa said...

Our actual fear of fallout is often much greater than what will really happen.

The "tearing apart" may be more of a mirage in your mind... more a function of your fears... not the unavoidable outcome of your decision.