Friday, August 1, 2008

In Due Time

A few years back, less than a touchdown but more than a conversion, when I threw my hands up at all manner of church services and stopped attending all together, a particularly judgemental zealot with whom I have since lost touch asked me rather matter of factly, "You can't seriously expect God to continue to communicate with you if you refuse to come to His house, can you?"

At the time, woefully in the throes of what the objectivity of hindsight has afforded me the ability to recognize as a full-on emotional breakdown, I didn't have the wherewithal to have any kinda real answer other than...

**blink**


Now, safely out of that emotional breakdown and right smack dab in the middle of an even greater one, I can clearly articulate the answer that I should have given then...


God communicates with me through my ipod... and the Reverend Cee-lo Green.



STOP LAUGHING!!!






Today, like most days, it is amazing to me that Texas can manage to be overcast and still hot, like roasting over an open pit fire in a plastic box. I'm in my truck and sweating, moisture pouring down my back, my skin sticky and damp to the touch. I jerk and snatch the controls on the air conditioning, the air hitting me full blast but only slightly calming my nerves. If I were to try to name what I am feeling right now, I guess it could be considered irritable. But it's more than that. I am tetchy. I am almost volatile.

But whatever.


None of the Cd's in the changer are what I wanna listen to so I struggle to steer with my knee and maneuver the hook up to my ipod. I fight with it for a few moments before realizing that it isn't coming on because I am a dumb ass I still have the hold button on. I click shuffle and try to find a clear channel through all the static.



Struggling just a part of my day many obstacles have been placed in my way



It's been years since I've heard this song, but it's still one I know by heart.

I know the only reason that I make it through
Is because I never stop believing in You
Some people wonder why we're here in the first place
They can't believe because they ain't never seen Your face
But even when you pray, the next day you gotta try
Can't wait for nobody to come down out the sky
You've got to realize that the world's a test
You can only do your best and let Him do the rest
You've got your life, you've got your health
So quit procrastinating and push it yourself
You've got to realize that the world's a test
You can only do your best and let Him do the rest
You've got your life, you've got your health
So quit procrastinating




And just like that I'm not hot anymore. The heat in my belly is replaced with sudden cool. I stop tapping. Stop jerking and twitching. Calm so surreal and so sweet envelops me like I am diving face first underwater.


Just keep your faith in Me
Don't act impatiently
You'll get where you need to be
In due time
Even when things are slow
Hold on and don't let go
I'll give you what I owe
In due time...


Without my even realizing it, tears start to roll down my face. A voice not my own in my head tells me that this is the relief I've been craving, desperately needing, despite all the other places I've gone looking for it. I pull over to the side of the road and sob on my steering wheel.

We sit for awhile and talk. Sometimes out loud, sometimes through the ever appropriate songs still shuffling on my ipod. I cry. Cry harder than I have in awhile, cry my contacts right out of my eyes. But I keep talking. Sometimes it is barely discernible. But I know He hears everything I say.

What is even better is that I know He already knows everything I'm saying.

But still, sometimes the best friend you have is the one who let's you talk even when you're saying all the things you've said before.


I tell Him what has been on my heart. The things I know I need to deal with in my life but don't know how. The choices I need to make. The things that are hurting me, that are unhealthy. The things I am thankful for. What I need. We talk about my faith. In Him and in myself, the former stronger than ever but the latter severely lacking. He tells me the things that He is preparing for me, reassures me that I will be coming out of the myriad of obstacles I have been dealing with for so long because He already knows. We talk about the tests I have been given, the ones I passed and the ones I failed, reminding me of my due time. And more importantly, He replaces the anxiety that had been gnawing at my gut with calm and reassurance.



I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I believe it's coming. Because I believe.




the first one, that feel Me jump up and make a joyful noise
You'se OutKasted, meaning, you now have a choice...

19 comments:

jameil1922 said...

loooooove in due time!! that is my JAM!! God rocks.

the joy said...

"now my neighbor likes where I stay, but don't know the price that I pay." come on! He's clearly been blessed with the gift of poignant and precise lyrics. I feel the same way about him and a few others.

I think people are naïve to think God can't talk to you through modern music. Wasn't Peter a musician?

Qucifer said...

However you find your way to him (churchy crap being my least favorite way) is how you're supposed to do it, Dammit!

Opinionated Diva said...

wow...i don't even know what to say. i was prepared to laugh...ok i did a little bit...when you mentioned Him talking to you through your ipod...BUT YOU WERE SERIOUS!!!

wow wow wow

i guess it matters not how he talked to you...but that you listened.

DollFace said...

Though they may not occur often, these moments of serentity are well worth the wait.

LadyLee said...

THAT right there is what a true relationsip with God is all about. That's what REAL TALK is all about, NOT the scrutinization of Church folk, but those one on one moments.

Shoot, who else woulda known you'd be riding in that truck at that moment, and needed to hear that song? That's what's real. He meets us where we are.

I'm very glad you shared this. Jacks my faith up a notch.

Rashan Jamal said...

I'm happy you found some inspiration in some Kast and Cee Lo. You are such an Atlien!

I guess now the question is what you gon' do with it?

Chris said...

I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling that "Church is the only way to God" spiel is nonsense. As long as you know He's real, who cares what anyone else thinks?

Vdizzle said...

*HUG*

Those cries really get everything out. I literally felt lighter after. So glad to hear you're finding some peace about your situations.

Blah Blah Blah said...

me and my god...we talk like we are we are friends from childhood.
I cry and I give thanks...
I even yell "why" sometimes...and like a good friend...he ignores me and shows me where i'm wrong and how it can all be alright...

can't NO ONE question you about you and your god...or in what way you get your message.
it's personal.
when you feel like you are drowning...it doesn't matter who throws you the life preserver.

glad you are better...with a little of that weight lifted.

nikki said...

that's the great thing about god. man, if you open, you can see him and hear him EVERYWHERE.

i'm so glad you heard him and listened and the burden is lifted.

Adei von K said...

get in where you fit in. i was high on bob without taking a hit of ANYTHING. HE spoke to me thru him.

mia. said...

God is everywhere. You never know when you will hear Him. This made me very happy!

La said...

@Jam lol at "God rocks."

@Joy I am more and more readily convinced that the man is an underrated genius. I think it's because many people have very specific ideas about what religion is or isn't, and very rarely see God in all things regardless of whether or not that is the fundamental message of most organized religion

@Q that's exactly the way I feel. But you try convincing that to anyone over 40 in the bible belt, lol

@Diva it's ok. I laughed too when I wrote it like, "They are all gonna think I have really lost it" lol. I listen. I'm hardheaded but I listen.

@Dollface they certainly are

@Ladylee "He meets us where we are." I love that.

@Rashan hahahaha I guess I am, huh? lol As far as what I'm gonna do with it... you'll see...

@Chris while I recognize the validity of even a few "gathering in his name" I just don't think that doing so automatically excludes the communication from Him to those who choose not to.

@V I do feel a little lighter. Not completely. But a little better. And I Lord knows I needed that.

@Blah "he ignores me and shows me where i'm wrong and how it can all be alright..." Right?!?! Sometimes I really feel like God is giving me the sympathetic head tap and shaking his head at me like "this girl is so extra" lol

@nikki That openness, or lack thereof I think, is the thing that keeps most people from truly critically thinking about their relationship with God and really investing in it

@Adei hahaha I can TOTALLY picture that, lol.

@mia I'm glad it made you happy :-)

hawa said...

Very very strange, La...

I had a very VERY similar moment last night. I haven't prayed lately. And then yesterday... prayer... and waterworks. He took the time to visit us in the same 1-week period. It sounds like the "Doctor" is making His rounds. LOL!

I deeply appreciate you sharing this with us.

Jonzee said...

Baby gurl...I find Him to in the Rev...and Outkast. So I absolutely feel you. Music is how I know we are connected because I can feel the fire in my soul when I listen to certain things. To me, music is one of the greatest gifts He could have given. As I continue to evolve, music has been a salve to my soul that I cannot explain.

I'm going to dig that CD out the armrest because I need it today like no other....

One Man’s Opinion said...

Are you in Texas? Because I'm in Texas! Wow, small world. Anyway, I came over to read this post, because Op. Diva said that it was worth the read and I have to agree. That's it. Nothing more to say.

Monie said...

Oh, La...

Jada said...

Wow this post made me tear up Girl. I'm feeling the same struggles over here, desperately trying to cling to GOD and my faith. I feel like I'm losing this battle though. I guess it's time I give it over to HIM.

Your post helped! Thanks!