Monday, August 25, 2008

Two Weeks

"Hey, it's me."
"Hey you! How are ya these days? You still steady keepin' on?"
"Fair to middlin'."
"That sounds not good."
"You know how that goes."
"Oh my yes. I been around for enough verses to know that chorus by heart. I hear ya over there. What are you drinking?"
"Goose."

He makes a sound of displeasure as I open the door to my freezer, grab a bottle and some juice. As ice cubes hit my glass, I hear the same sound echoing from the Right Coast through my speaker phone. I am silent as we pour, appreciating the subtle changes in the color in the glass once the prefect verse is poured over a dope beat, or in this instance, vodka meeting cranberry.

"So tell me what's goin' on kiddo and don't spare me any details."



So we talk a little. And we laugh a lot. I cry a little. He fusses, somehow managing to not judge me. I listen. It's the way we have always been and probably will always be.

"That's a lot to shoulder little one."
"No shit."
"Watch it. So why don't you drop some of it?"
"I feel like I can't."
"You carryin' it by yourself?"
"Sometimes."
"Why?"
"Don't want anyone else weighed down with my foolishness and mayhem."
"But we love you. We take it on because we love you. It's not weighing us down. It's compensating for times when you are maybe not strong enough to carry it alone. It's nothing that you don't do for everyone in your life and yet, never seem ok with demanding in return."
"It is my way."
"It's gonna kill you."

We sigh. Or rather, I sigh and he sips. I reach for my glass but it's empty. We continue as I re-up.



"I feel like I am going through too much to be able to, in good conscience, give it over to anyone. And I am afraid that if I do, I will just leave it and never pick it up again. Never deal with it."
"But we are not taught to not give things over. And the way you're dealing with it now is killing you."
"It's not killing me."
"You smoking?"
"Yes."
"Drinking to fall asleep?"
"Yeah."
"You sound like you're forty."
"I'm sick."
"Again."
"Oh, hush."

I hate when he's right because that generally means that my shit is all kinds of wrong.


"I know you know better."
"I know."
"But you won't do better."



**silence**



"Think back over the 2 years kiddo. It's been a roller coaster. You've loved, you've lost, you're in love again. You're trapped in Texas. Your mom has been ailing. You're estranged from your father and your entire family. Your friends are on an entirely different coast. You lost more than a few family members. You been through more trials and tribulations on the job than anyone should ever have to deal with. You been sick and stressed. Run down and tired all the time. Tryin' to handle all this on your own. This would be a lot for anyone to bear, but its especially hard when you're young, when you're still growing, and when you're trying to do it alone."
"I'm not that young."
"Compared to me, you're an infant."

I am curled up in a ball on my bed, twisting my hair and biting my lip. I am thinking back to a year ago when we had a conversation very similar to this one and I seemed to be making a turn for the better.



Where did 365 days go?



"La listen. You know what you have to do. You know those people you need to get out of your life. You know the moves you need and want to make. You are more well versed in your issues than any other mere human I know. You know that."
"I know."
"From what I gather, you have the makings of a good support system in place. You just have to stop being prideful and use it."
"I know that too."
"Here's the problem with what you know. You ready?"
"Shoot."
"The problem with what you know is the things you haven't dealt with. It's those things that keep sneaking up on you when you're still. It has nothing to do with any of those immediate concerns you just spent a half hour venting about. Those things are not the things that are keeping you from doing the things you know you need to do. The changes you wanna make will all fall into place because they are meant for you. But you gotta give everything room to fall into place. You gotta clear some stuff outta the way."
"I know."
"You ready to deal?"
"I don't know."
"There is no 'I don't know'. Either you ready or you not. There is no shame in not being ready. But you must recognize that if you are not, that means staying in the same place you are now."
"I don't wanna stay in the same place."
"You have someone you can lean on while you transition?"
"I don't know any more."

He waits patiently while I cry. I hear more ice cubes clinking on his end, more crackles as liquid meets solid.


"You are already everything you need. You are strong enough to do it alone. It's harder, but you can. And if you don't have to, then you shouldn't."
"Ok."
"So do it. You know I don't believe in baby steps. Just do it. Dive in as deep as you can and work hard to get back to the surface."
"Ok."
"Stop crying. Everthing is already taken care of. Your path been set for you kiddo, you just have to have enough faith to walk it."
"Ok. I'm trying."
"I know the largest thing you deal with. And it is a hard beast to struggle with. But you were created far stronger than any adversary. Now all you have to do is believe it."
"Ok."
"You hate me?"
"Yes."
"Good. You ready?"
"Ready."

I hear more ice sliding around in his glass.


"You still drinking that nasty green tea stuff?"
"Oh no. Mrs. B. got off that kick. Now she only lets us drink water. Can't even have juice in the house. She says it has too much sugar or some nonsense. You know she's always on some new age kick. Back in my day, we ate what we grew and it was fine."
"Well she looks my age so you better listen to what she says."
"Oh you know I do. You don't stay married for 43 years disagreeing on unimportant things. I can drink water for my wife, if it makes her worry less about my health."
"Did I interrupt something important when I called? It was rude of me not to ask."
"Oh no. Just working on something for next Sunday. Besides, you only call me once a year. I can give you a few minutes once a year. Just don't make a habit of it."

He chuckles, low and warm, and the sharp pangs of anxiety I have been feeling for months subside just a little. I almost remember what it was like before I felt like I was spending my days on the verge of tears or vomiting.


"Thank you."
"There is no need to thank me. I made you a promise and I intend to keep it. You just remember you have made promises too. You must keep your faith. All things happen not in your time, but in due time." I am instantly alert.
"What did you just say?"
"I said all things happen not in your time, but in due time."
"Wow."
"You ok?"
"Yeah. Just hearing loud and clear."
"Good. Now I am gonna go make dinner for my wife but I want you to do something for me. Let's make an appointment to talk two weeks from today. I want you to take the next two weeks to be as silent and still as you can possibly be and reflect. I want you to write. I want you to cry. I want you to really take a hard look at some things that are hurting you that you need to change. And I want you to write down a list, however long, of the things you need to change. Every night before you go to bed I want you to get down on your knees and pray over that list. And then you call me in two weeks. Ok? Can you commit to that?"
"Yes Pastor B."
"That's my girl. Now, go wipe your face and get yourself together. You are way too yella to be doing all that cryin' and I know you look 'bout like a fish right now."
"That's not the point."

We laugh, and it is like a melody I thought I had forgotten completely.

"I will talk to you in two weeks time ya hear?"
"Yessir."
"And I guarantee you, if you believe in my God like I believe in my God, by the time we talk, many of those things will not be ailing you the same way."









Be back in two weeks...

26 comments:

nikki said...

"you are already everything you need".

PREEEEEEEACH.

we'll be here when u get back.

cherry's kid said...

No worries while you're gathering things together...we'll still be around when you come back.... ready and waiting!!!!!

cherry's kid said...

No worries while you're gathering things together...we'll still be around when you come back.... ready and waiting!!!!!

Adei von K said...

not "in due time"

and there it is

Vdizzle said...

"Hearing loud and clear" is a good one. Cause sometimes God has to scream at us. Lol.

I know you're one tough cookie girlie, so step out on faith and I'll be here in two weeks.

the joy said...

*High pitched voice* true.

I'm glad there's someone in your life more eloquent than I. All I can do is worry, lol since I can't give hugs from a thousand miles away.

Rashan Jamal said...

see you do have people you can talk to. Not necessary to try to carry it all your self.

Shi said...

Pastor B was talkin the TRUTH!
Its true if we belive in the same God, in the same way we have to understand that

its always in due time that the Lord makes things happen, when he's taught us all we need to know from a situation or a number of situations.

Pastor B wants you to b patient with God, because evn if it is hard now, he has a plan for you, you just have to trust him.

Love S

Ruthibelle said...

Awww gee... Words of wisdom we all should listen to... things don't happen in your time, they happen in due time... wow!!

Be here in two weeks...

Chris said...

like everyone above me said, we'll be here when you get back in two weeks. Stay up, babe.

Epsilonicus said...

Keep your head up.

DollFace said...

Beautiful. I hope you made that list.

durtymo said...

*sigh*

La you are so fantastic that I really don't know what to say!! We all have those times when we feel as though we have to bear the weight of the world but just know that ALL THINGS belong to GOD! Let Go.. Let GOD!

Opinionated Diva said...

Hmmmmph! I'm mad you are taking TWO WHOLE WEEKS!!!

I know you have major stuff to deal with, but what about ME?

Nah...I kid lol.

I can't wait to see your list.

wow @ 43 years married!

Jonzee said...

Wow...your Pastor B is my line sister.

I been avoiding getting to know her for a minute. But thank GOD for her. She told me all of the same things Pastor B told you. My issue is sitting still doesn't always work for me. I am the queen of control and fixing.

But...I'ma keep doing it. You should too!

Qucifer said...

WOOOOOOOO Girl this is deeeeppppp


well let us know how it all goes

Monie said...

Love and light...see you in 2 weeks...

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

"in due time"

See you in 2 weeks chica!

A Go Bytch said...

Sounds like you have a good mentor. See you in two weeks hun! Make it good!

Go B.

Mr.Slish said...

Hey Ummm Can get Pastor B's number...lol

jameil1922 said...

make move chica. you already know how much better you feel once you get closer to your goals and get rid of some dead weight. *e-hug.*

LadyLee said...

That was profound. I suggest you do what he says...

Opinionated Diva said...

those two weeks aren't up yet?

yours truly said...

first time commenting (been a silent lurker for a while) but i love this post. Pastor B's thoughts have me thinking of some things i should do myself. *takes note*

good luck with what happens over those weeks girl.

rebecca said...

Boats Sail On The Rivers

(1)

Boats sail on the rivers,

And ships sail on the seas;

But clouds that sail across the sky,

Are prettier far than these.

(2)

There are bridges on the rivers,

As pretty as you please;

But the bow that bridges heaven,

And overtops the trees,

And builds a road from earth to sky,

Is prettier far than these.

-----by runescape gold

rebecca said...

Boats Sail On The Rivers

(1)

Boats sail on the rivers,

And ships sail on the seas;

But clouds that sail across the sky,

Are prettier far than these.

(2)

There are bridges on the rivers,

As pretty as you please;

But the bow that bridges heaven,

And overtops the trees,

And builds a road from earth to sky,

Is prettier far than these.

-----by runescape gold