Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Mean Girls

You know how when you were younger, your parents told you if you don't have anything nice to say not to say anything at all? Or treat others how you wanna be treated? And all that other yadda yadda bullshit?

As a semi-adult in the beginnings of trading my training bras for La Perla (that's a lie. I never worn training bras. I got boobs at the same time I was getting my ass kicked by long division), I think I'd like to amend those. While I certainly understand the necessity of instilling in children that they should share and be kind to their friends and not judge little Cameron, the girl in their class with two mommys, the concept that being a nice, well mannered girl will get you further in life seems almost as antiquated as shoulder pads and no sex before marriage (sorry Jonas Brothers). I certainly am not advocating being a screaming banshee of a shrew, but it seems sometimes that those well put together, quietly dignified Mrs. Manners type become...well, librarians. The rest of us recognize that you can order books on Amazon and that librarians rarely make six figures, and we pack up the cardigans and khakis, dye our hair black (or in my case, Hot Chocolate) and learn to relish the way saying "bullshit" tastes in our mouths. Besides, rude girls are an aphrodisiac.


You don't believe me? Let's examine exhibit A...






I decide I absolutely must have sushi and so I trek to one of my favoritest places in town to treat myself to a little dinner. It's one of those supertrendy you-can-wear-jeans-here-but-only-if-they-cost-$150-and-you-pair-them-with-sky-high-heels kind of places. But I can excuse the pretentious nature of the clientele during this happy hour situation because the food is honeymoon orgasms on plates. As the waiter shows me to my table, I immediately notice the two top next to me occupied by one of those super fly $150 jeans wearing model chicks and her impossibly fumbling date. He is pretty damn attractive but he has the swag of a pineapple and the game of Jordan in a baseball uniform (that is to say, notsomuch). His date is one of those super pretty chicks who gets by because she's pretty and doesn't have to know Obama's tax cut plans because she can push her tits up to her ears and wear them like earrings. God help us all.

I order my very dirty martini, and break out the book I brought. But I couldn't stay engrossed in it. Because the date to my right had to be, quite possibly, the WORST DATE KNOWN TO MAN. (Except for the one I went on where the guy cried into his entree. Oh and the one where his girlfriend showed up.) I gather from their interaction that this is a first date. It's awful. The girl is aloof and distant and they guy is a sweaty, stuttering mess. Both of them are quite attractive so I can understand what the initial attraction to each other was, but this thing was going nowhere, fast. And from the way the model chick was eyeing the dude at the bar in the Ralph Lauren suit, I am guessing she knows it too.

At some point, she gets up to go to the bathroom. The guy breathes an audible sigh like he's been holding his breath for the last hour. I don't mean to do it but I blurt, "You SUCK at this."

He turns and looks at me, all blinking rapidly and sputtering and I try my best to backtrack.

"I didn't mean to say it like that. It's just... you SUCK at this."
"You do realize you said it the exact same way?"
"Yeah I do but sweetie that's how much you suck."

He chuckles at me and at least I know that he isn't gonna throw a hissy fit and demand I be kicked out before my unagi hits the table. I figure if I am gonna insult him, I can at least try to help.

"How long has it been since you've done this?" I ask him.
"What? Go on a date? Wow. Like 5 years. I just got divorced. This is my first date since then."
"Ohhh. Ok. So THAT'S why you look all green like Maury just told you that you ARE the father."
"Yeah that could be it." He pauses thoughtfully for a moment. "Do I really suck at this?"
"Oh, honey. Like Bristol Palin on prom night after a couple shots of Maker's Mark."

This gets an even heartier laugh out of him and I am wondering at this point if he is drunk and completely missing the point of what I am saying.

"Ok if I am so bad," he says, "you have to help me."
"I'm sorry... what?"
"You have to help me. You can't just insult me then wash your hands of me."
"Are you sure? Because that was exactly my intention."
"No. You can't. Consider it your community service. You look like the type of girl that is probably about due for some."
"Well fuck you very much."

He eyes my cleavage spilling out of my top, the 5 inch heels on my feet, and the Stoli martini in my hand.

He might have a point.

"Alright," I say, lighting a clove and carefully blowing smoke away from his face, "if I am gonna help you, I need some background info first." He launches into his bio. "About her you narcissist. Not you."
"Well I don't know if I have time for that. She's just using the bathroom."
"Oh you have plenty of time. She's in the bathroom right now hovering over a toilet with her cell phone clutched to her ear asking her best friend how to quickly and painlessly get out of this date. When she does get that answer, she is then going to scroll through her phone and find a suitable backup plan for the rest of this evening because she doesn't want to go home and watch Grey's Anatomy and wallow in feeling like she got all dressed up with nowhere to go."
"How do you-"
"I have a vagina."

He stares at me in awe and I raise my eyebrow like he's a moron. Cuz he probably is.

"Alright," I tell him, throwing back the last of martini number two, "here's what you do..."


Fast forward 30 minutes later, homegirl is all but crawling on the table making takemehome eyes at Dr. Donothing. I pay my check and walk out figuring that this gives me at least another 6 months reprieve on going to church. By the time I make it to the valet stand I hear fast footsteps behind me. I figure I shouldn't be too panicked since I am in the white part of town.

"Hey!" the loser shouts at me, running up to my side. "You left really quick."
"That's generally what one does when they are leaving."
"Can I call you some time?"
"Are you fucking kidding me sir?"

The look on his face tells me he is absolutely dead serious. I chuckle to myself, utterly amused at his gall.

"What on earth makes you think that I would go out with you when you are asking me out while you're on a date with another woman?"
"I just thought you were cool and that maybe-"
"No," I say cutting him off, "you didn't think I was cool. You thought I was rude. And a challenge. Little Miss Model in there may have the cool and detached game on lock but you know you're smarter than her so therefore you still feel somewhat in control of the situation. But with me, you can't say that. You're attractive. Judging from your appearance I would say you're well off. You're a black man in a city where you are outnumbered 10 to 1. Very few women talk to you like I did. You're intrigued. And also, see through."

I grab my keys from the valet and tip him, making my way to the drivers side. He follows.

"Wait!"
"What? You think I am gonna say yes so that you can ask another chick out on a date when you're with me?"
"I wouldn't do that to you."
"Why on earth would I buy that?"
"Because I believe that you would kick me in the balls if I did."
"Correction. I would nail your balls to the floor between your feet. Please step away from my door."
"I am going out on a limb here. Cut me some slack."
"Well let this be a lesson to you. This is what happens when you try to trade up. Get the fuck away from my door please," I say, sweet as can be, while simultaneously pushing him backwards with my heel and closing my door. As I drove away I could see him standing in the valet line, staring at my Howard plates all confused.




Jesus. I threaten to castrate the man and tell him he's a shitty date and he still asks me for my number? Nice girls are screwed.


Consider this the memo.









Oh, btw. I'm back :-)

30 comments:

LadyLee said...

I
AM
FIRST!!

*LadyLee smiling like Miss Celie smiles*

That was funny! And good! Glad you are BACK!!

Sometimes you gotta be mean. Mean AND honest! Nice girls get taken advantage of...

Dope Fiend said...

Amazingness! I'm new to this blog so ive been coming back and forth for your update.

LOVED IT, coul'dnt have done better myself.


"those well put together, quietly dignified Mrs. Manners type become...well, librarians."

I don't know, the ones I went to school with are all bleach blonde orange, fake boobed...wadyoumacallits. ;)

Loved this post!

American Press said...

Speak some truth. I think people who hold on to those "nice girl" rules are highly deluded and are in for a harsh reality check.

"The rest of us recognize that you can order books on Amazon and that librarians rarely make six figures"
LOVE IT!!

the joy said...

"unagi." lmao! Somebody just asked me today why mean chicks get all the dudes. I should direct her here.


Who does "polite" anymore anyway?

CNEL said...

My goodness an aphrodisiac a perfect word to describe them.

You're right most boys like mean girls whether they themselves are mean or not.

Maybe it's the challenge, maybe it's the realness, or something else. Whatever it is, its there.

Chris said...

*sigh* Why must you be so damn on point?

why, why, WHY?!

Although I dream of falling in love with a sweet, demure, kind, gentle woman, the though of a woman saying "nigga, man up" is always in the back of my mind.

Also, if you're giving out advice that good? We need to talk, LOL

Opinionated Diva said...

It's about time you came back...honestly I don't think you were mean.

If you were truly being mean, you would have taken pictures and posted them on the blog for all of us to see just how much he sucked!!! hahahahahahahahahahaha

Jada said...

Now that was an AWESOME story. And it does seem men are more attracted to some evil ass women. But your honesty with ole boy was great. Being gorgeous, he's prolly not used to hearing the truth.

Jonzee said...

I got two reasons boys like mean girls...

The Chase.

And more than likely, they mamas is mean as hell.

shani-o said...

"YOU are a mean girl. You're a BITCH!"

Sorry, honey bunny, I love your awesome meanness, but I gotta hold it down for the nice girls (who know how cut a ninja when he isn't expecting it). It's like the lady in the street, freak in the bed thing - being a goody-goody on the surface but knowing how to be a bitch, when necessary, can be ... very effective.

Also... 'unaaagiii.'

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

I just told my friend she needed to put her foot down to her man. I told her she was being too damn nice. Dudes like a woman with a little mean streak.

Monie said...

Hahahahahahaahaa, yayyyyyyyyy, La is back! How are you toots?

The story was great. Did that happen for real?! LMAO! How much you wanna bet dude is befriending some cops so he can get your info from your plates? Heh!

La said...

@Ladylee LMFAO@ "smiling like Ms Celie. You're a mess. Nice girls do get taken advantage of. But I think there also has to be a balance between being mean and not just being outright evil

@Dope Fiend welcome! Those kinda mean girls go on to become trophy wives, lol

@American Press I dunno if I would call them highly deluded but I def think that there are times when being nice just doesn't get your point across.

@Joy "ahh. Salmon skin roll." hahahaha Some people do polite, and to positive results. I think the problem with considering yourself a "polite" person, is that more often than not alot of people loose valuable opportunities to assert themselves for the sake of being "polite". I don't condone acting like you have no home training, but sometimes soft spoken just won't cut it.

@Cnel it is probably a combination of all those things. And all of them in a balance. There's a difference between being kinda bitch and just being a bitch, lol

@Chris every man dreams of that woman... until he realizes that he wants a partner, not a servant

@Diva BWAHAHAHAHA! I SO thought about snapping his picture. If for no other reason than he was so prettiful, lol

@Jada he was SO not used to women talking to him that way, I'm sure. He seemed like that type to always get his way. Had I been a couple years younger and many experiences dumber, I prob woulda fallen for it too

@Jonzee it ALWAYS goes back to their mamas some kinda way. But to that, I counter this: what is it then, that keeps men with an evil woman once he gets her. Not just a kinda rude girl, just all out EVIL.

The Maverick said...

LMAO good read, loved the post.

Mr.Slish said...

First I wanna say although I've been reading your blog like FOREVER!!! You tell the best stories sometimes..I'm sitting here glued to the screen Like "La and I could be road dogs for life" ..lol

Question what possesed you to say anything at all...I would have watched him crash and burn and hit on that chick my damn self...lol...

Not gonna lie in the story telling dept you keep me on my toes....Can't come with no wack shit after reading this...lol

Rashan Jamal said...

That wasn't being mean, that was flirting. Don't act surprised that he tried to get your number. You were being all alluring and stuff, engaging him in conversation.

~a said...

Love it...

Chris the Minimalist said...

yeah, you're back...obviously lol....meanie haha

yours truly said...

*sigh* being the nice chick sucks (or at least when it's not done right).

but i heart you and your swag. great post and welcome back.

La said...

@shani I completely agree with the necessity of both. I just linger a bit longer on the mean side, is all

@Southern Gal I had a male friend who was with his girlfriend for 7 years and they still weren't married or living together or anything. He was pretty much just being a man about the whole thing, dragging his feet. One day they get into an argument about how much time he spends travelling for work and she LET HIM HAVE IT. He proposed about 2 weeks later. SOmetimes mean works, lol

@Monie I'm ok. Thanks for asking. I wondered that! Like, does this guy have a cop buddy that he's gonna get to run my tags? **shudder** I don't need a stalker, lol

@the Maverick Thanks!

@Slish aww you HAVE been reading forever haven't you? lol See you woulda hit on her because she was gorgeous... but she was dumber than a door and twice as skinny so you coulda had her. I didn't just let him crash and burn... mostly cuz I'm nosy and like starting shit, lol

@Rashan I was not flirting nor being alluring. He was just being a man. You creatures are necessary, but simple, lol

@a thanks.

@Chris you're one to talk about me being mean, lol

@yours truly Sometimes it does. Other times I wish I could be nicer to people. But it seems like so much more work... lol

Adei von K said...

"you so see thru!!"

you read him like a book! lol

i was just thinking on my way to work, "nice guys finish last, assholes are always on the up and up" and here you go...

A Go Bytch said...

Hey La..it's no secret to me that men are totally attracted to challenges. If being a Bytch is challenging to him then he loves you.. the problem comes in when we as women let our guards down and begin to actually have feelings for the asshole they run over you.. so basically you have to be a bytch 365 days of the year! LOL

IntrospectiveGoddess said...

I agree with Mr. Slish your story telling skills are impeccable...I definetly need to step my game up...that shit was hilarious! I so love your perceptiveness...

Epsilonicus said...

Good to see you!! You came back with a vengeance.

To be honest, I would have tried to holler at you if you would have talked to me and I was on a bad date too. Your approach is one that is rare.

Coco said...

Welcome back and you are right mean girls get pretty far. That is why I am alone--not really but that is what I tell myself.

DollFace said...

La...you are the best!

Qucifer said...

HA! and THAT is game beetchesss


I got tired of playing nice, ridiculously my ass-gettin-age has reached levels that border on EPIC!!

Catherine said...

Must be an Aries thing. Being a challenge is in our blood!

I would have loved to see a picture of the happy couple. How much you want to bet he went on another date with the girl, but is still thinking about you...

rebecca said...

What Does Little Birdie Say?

(1)

What does little birdie say,

In her nest at peep of day?

Let me fly, says little birdie,

Mother, let me fly away,

Birdie, rest a little longer,

Till the little wings are stronger.

So she rests a little longer,

Then she flies away.

(2)

What does little baby say,

In her bed at peep of day?

Baby says, like little birdie,

Let me rise and fly away.

Baby, sleep a little longer,

Till the little limbs are stronger.

If she sleeps a little longer,

Baby too shall fly away.

-----by runescape gold

Blah Blah Blah said...

Great story.
Great writer.

Nice.