Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Binge and Purge

I am a firm believer in the emotional purge. You know, where after you break up/cut off a friend/start a new job, you erase any and all evidence that said boyfriend/friend/position ever existed. Gone are the pictures and the emails save in that special folder (I know I ain't the only one that has one so stop faking). You put away throw away all the cards and notes and random whatnot that you collected that reminds you of when you used to be an us. Mostly, it helps me feel better. Cleaning settles my nerves, and plus, I don't have to happen across anything in the future that will send me right over the edge.


Unless you forget to REALLY clean out your email.



Going through the myriad of folders in my multiple email homes in search of some info that will directly aid Bob and I's Thanksgiving trip this year, I happen across one folder I forgot to clear.

And there they are. The carcasses of every friendship and relationship that has since festered and died going all the way back to '03.

And despite my better judgement, I start to read.


And the more I read, the more I want to see.
Insatiable about excavating my emotional ruins, mostly.



And then there it is.



There once was a time I couldn't imagine my life with too many
people... and now I can't imagine you not in it.




Ow.


"You miss me yet?"
"Yes."
"Very good answer."
"I always miss you when you're not by my side."



Jesus.


"I've never taken you for granted, or ever wanted
to be without you, I just made a promise..."





*sigh*



I flip through the emails, loading page after page, reminding me how far I've come. It doesn't kill me anymore, not like it once did. My day doesn't stop, but maybe my smile falters a little, for a moment.


I shake my head at back then, smile a few times, sigh a bit more. My heart doesn't leap up my throat, but at the same time I feel the coldness settle into my stomach that reminds me that it was all so... wasted.



"Tell me you love me."





Not anymore.


I click the mouse twice for delete all. And sigh one more time.




It doesn't hurt anymore, but sometimes it still stings.

17 comments:

Adei von K said...

we must be on the same emotional cycle. old texts and emails want to show their asses like a little rain at your show. like you said, just a little falter but we move on :-)

nikki said...

u speaketh the truth...eth?

um, the worst thing about dating as it goes in current society...we do alot of it online where it's there until the next millenium. remember when we used to communicate only via letters? hell, you burn the shoebox full of shit and you had all the bases covered. now you gotta check your yahoo account...then your gmail account...msn account.. .outlook...work...and that's just the online shit. then you gotta check the work computer and home computer, thumb drive, cds with photos and files back up, etc.

then you got the texts on the phones and the archived messages in messenger. it just never ends...

makes a sista almost not even wanna communicate with a guy cuz the first email begins the trail.

in other words, the ruins of the relationship be like pompeii...they rising among the ashes long after the emotions have died.

i think this next go round i'm gonna date a guy who doesn't believe in electricity. that way when it ends, i won't have to do much to remove the remnants from my ram.

glad you got a lil more closure, though.

the joy said...

You know I was thinking of mentioning him in my post... I'm glad you hit delete.

I have a box of letters that are mixed with good memories and bad. I want to remember, but I don't.

Epsilonicus said...

I am big on the emotional purge. It is the ONLY way I can move on. It is the healthiest way for me to move on.

Jada said...

I thought I was the only person that got rid of everything once something ended. I make a point to look through and put all that stuff in the recylce bin, trash, whatevs.

And it always sucks when you discover something that you overlooked...just when you stopped thinking bou them.

mia. said...

Girl, the emotional purge is so exhausting. It’s such a bittersweet thing. You know you no longer love them or need them – but you did love them. And even if this makes no sense, I have no problem letting go of the person... it’s the love I had for them that is hard for me to let go of...

A.J. Brown said...

For some reason, it's always one thing that I keep..not being able to let it go...and just when I've totally gotten over that person, I come across that one thing...and although I would hope to be numb, like you said there's that little sting.

Mr.Slish said...

I've never been on to keep things like that..I don't know why. I get an email I delete it after its read..The mushy ones I might keep for a month.

Guess I don't believe in purging...More like lemm delete this shit so I don't have to do it later...Or lemme delete this before Shawnla hacks into my email and discovers Slasher been running amok again...lol

Rashan Jamal said...

I don't do the purge thing. I like to have evidence in case I come up dead or missing or something. I guess that's just cuz I be having stalkers. LOL

But seriously, I don't see it as being necessary. I can look back and see stuff and not get emotional about it, but it just gives me a good sense of where I was then and where I am now.

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

I'm in the purging process now.

La said...

@adei They do have good (read: awful) timing right. It's like you put it to the back of your mind and then BAM! a picture you stuffed in the back of your panty drawer. (just me huh? lol)

@nikki "i think this next go round i'm gonna date a guy who doesn't believe in electricity."
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I really do think that is the best way to alleviate this problem.

@Joy it's not who you think it is, lol. I have a big box of letters too. I havent opened it since I left Atl and I think it's best I keep it that way

@epsi I think it's healthy too. I have a friend that NEVER does it because she says she thinks its just hiding things from yourself so you can be in denial about it. But I think there is some strength in the moment when you can finally put some things away

@Jada it ALWAYS pops up when you JUST stopped even getting them the time of day, lol. I always clean out everything. Not even from a place of being angry, but really just being done with it.

@mia Bittersweet is the word I was looking for to describe this post. "it’s the love I had for them that is hard for me to let go of." That's exactly it. I can be done with the relationship but I so rarely get invested in people that I can't help be be bittersweet over the situations that I did invest in and they didn't work out. I don't love weak enough for it to be diluted by occurance.

@a.j. I still have a tshirt that I can't bear to throw away but can't stand to look at either. Granted, I hid it from myself a long time ago, so I have no idea where it is if I wanted to throw it away anyway, lol. But my hope is that when I finally come back across it, it may sting just a bit, but it won't really matter much. And one day, I'll prob forget where it even came from.

@Slish BWAHAHAHAHAHA! That Slasher is gonna get you in trouble. I guess you just aren't a sentimental sap like me, lol

@Rashan you DO be having the stalkers, lol

@Souther Gal **BIG hug**

Muze said...

girl.

i just did this the other day.

le sigh.

except mine still hurts.

bad.

man o man reading email after email... i was dang near in tears.

boooo hisss boooo.

A Go Bytch said...

Girl that's probably a problem I didn't know I had girl I have cards from my very first boyfriend, cards from my wedding celebration, numbers from guys I haven't talked to in months...or seen for that matter. Hmmmmm.. I think I will print this post so I can read over it again!

Go B.

Hawa Bond said...

"It doesn't hurt anymore, but sometimes it still stings."

I love that, La. And I know that transition very well. I can't get enough of your writing. This is one of my favorite spots.

Hawa, author of
Fackin Truth Blog (Personal Blog)
and
Cleanse Master Remix (Health Blog)

jameil1922 said...

ack. glad you deleted it.

yours truly said...

my ass is sentimental like that too. the problem with me is that i work like this:

"out of sight, out of mind...for maybe two hours tops and it's back in my mind again til i can push those thoughts out of my mind again."

bleh. =-/ having a mind that only truly forgets when it's ready to is very shitty. but this post just inspired me to go delete a few texts i've been holding onto a bit too long. so to kudos to you, la.

Mr. Jones said...

Ugh! We need to talk.