Monday, December 8, 2008

Love and _____ and Want you Baby

"Need was like a weed, a virus, a mold. Once you admitted to it, it spread
and ruled."



I wish I were more like Joy. She thinks that love should always win. Though I can't bring myself to cosign, I have always believed that there is a particular strength in that mindset, a certain hopeful fearlessness, that very few people have the cajones to posses, let alone govern their lives by.

Least of all, me.


See, I am less familiar with the land of Faith and more comfortable in the land of Real; people lie. They cheat. They steal. They fall in love. They get married. They get divorced. They spend the rest of their lives hating themselves and the other for ever loving the other. Real people have regrets. Things fall apart.

That isn't to say that I believe that Joy is anyway immune or naive to these things. No, instead she possess a certain balance, if you will, that I cannot seem to ascertain myself.

And kinda don't want to...?


I have never been particularly comfortable with having needs. Or rather, certain needs. The need to eat? Of course. Sexual needs? I'm all over that. But my life has been engineered and lived in such a way that has taught me the inherent danger in needing certain things, in needing someone.

Personally, I'd rather not.

"Need was like a weed, a virus, a mold..."


It kinda takes over you, doesn't it? Needing? Not to be confused, of course, with needy. But it always seemed to me that the danger in needing was not necessarily the possibility of being disappointed; any and all interaction, even that of a non-emotional nature, bears the possibility of that. And moreover, it's simply just stupid to think that avoiding interaction with people will protect you from disappointment. That isn't gonna happen.

But rather, the danger always seemed to me what happens after a need isn't fulfilled...

How do you deal with the possibility that your needs may not be being met by the very person that you need? And how do you reconcile that with the fact that not only has the need not been met, but you still need it?


I will cop to resentment (of myself mostly) when I feel as though there is something I need that I cannot somehow satisfy myself. And while I recognize that being a completely self satisfying creature in and of itself is improbable, if not impossible, I still feel that way. But what I resent even more is catering to the needs of others, no matter how unhealthy or hurtful, and still not having my needs met.

I resent that shit.

So much so in fact that it makes me question why I even bother.


I recognize, in my more objective moments, that I bother because it is my nature, because it is human to desire to be both needed and to need someone else. I know intellectually that I try because I am a good person, because I am, by the design of life experience, a nurturer who wants more than anything to provide a place where the people that I love can feel free to be themselves, no matter how ugly themselves may be at the time. That is important to me. It is a part of who I am. And maybe I have no always done enough to maintain a balance in this endeavor, but it's a part of me. And one that I am proud of.

I know, even more than that, I try because it matters to me and it's important.


But some days I just wanna be like, fuck it.


At this point, I can't think of much I have to show for it.
Unless you count my weight in gold in the currency of resentment, of course.


"Once you admitted to it, it spread and ruled."

Admittedly, I have always struggled with a deep seated fear of admitting to needing someone or something. Mostly because, when I was younger, I believed that doing so gave someone else a certain amount of control or power over you that I have never been altogether too comfortable with relinquishing. I recognize as I get older, that this isn't really the case unless you are dealing with a controlling and superbly flawed individual. (Which I have been known to do.) But rather I find, that in the instance of gambling on the possibility that the people in my life can somehow serve the needs that I expect them to, I am losing far too much. I keep losing the gamble.

And I can't afford that shit.


I wish I were more like Joy. Not in the way that I wish we were more similar, but more so that I could bring myself to believe that the gamble was always worth it. Because I don't.
And more and more, I start to believe that I am right.


Love always wins...it's the lovers that sometimes lose.

10 comments:

Opinionated Diva said...

Sometimes I wish I could read your brain...found out what motivates your posts. *hugs*

I envy Joy's optimism myself. I'm more like you though. The whole idea of needing someone just rubs me the wrong way...I'd rather say I want than need. Neediness makes me feel dependent...and being dependent just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Rashan Jamal said...

I agree with Diva's comment. Need is not what I'm going for. Neediness will turn me off much more quickly than anything else.

At the risk of sounding like an old man, you got time. You are still young and not everybody follows the same timeframe for successful relationships.

LadyLee said...

There is nothing wrong with needing someone as long as we're not dealing with ulterior motives and funky agendas. That's my sticking point.

I've told a man I needed him. (Well, have told a couple of men, lol). And men have told me they needed me. The whole question is why? If we can't come up with why, then therein lies the problem.

Like Rashan said above, you got TIME. Man, I WISH I could see age 26 again. GOODNESS.

Keep your head up, girl.

Jada said...

You know my homeboy dropped some knowledge on me that although a tough pill to swallow is one of the realest nuggets of truth I've been blessed with.

He told me that sometimes you just got to lose to win. It IS a gamble, each and every time...and you're gonna lose a few...but if you don't risk losing, you'll never have the chance to win either.

Qucifer said...

"See, I am less familiar with the land of Faith and more comfortable in the land of Real; people lie. They cheat. They steal. They fall in love. They get married. They get divorced. They spend the rest of their lives hating themselves and the other for ever loving the other. Real people have regrets. Things fall apart."


SEE THAT! is something I shall have to cosign on cause I've lived it and seen it all of my doggone life!

La said...

@Diva, everytime you come here you are reading my brain. Confusing right? lol I don't think I so much mind needing someone as I mind when my needs are met; neediness doesn't come into play at all. I think there is a difference between a valid need and being needy

@Rashan, yes. You do sound like an old man, lol. See Diva's comment.

@LadyLee, time is an interesting illusion...

@Jada, that's true... but tell him to stop making sense, lol. To that I counter tho, that even the most seasoned gamblers know when the table just isn't hot and when to walk away. So where's the line between gambling and just being stupid?

@Q, while "love conquers all" may be an appeasing adage to some, I wonder if it is all that realistic, given the ways things fall apart

Miss J Louise said...

Very well written

mia. said...

This post has really moved me to examine my thoughts on need. I don't know... I don't have a problem with need. But then, I'm not sure that I've ever needed anyone. I've wanted quite a few people, some very much. But never needed. And I don't believe in perfection. I believe in the beauty of struggle.

I don't know.

Muze said...

geesh this is a superbly written post ms La!

and i totally agree with you. needing someone and even needing someTHING from someone, has always been an uncomfortable thing for me to accept.

the 'upper hand' is very real. and not all people can be trusted to not slap you down with it.

for reals.

let's work on this though, hun. we should.

lol.

poeticwax said...

I wholeheartedly agree. In my prime, I was a Romantic. I was one of those people that believed that love was indeed the greatest thing of all, and that it healed all wounds and all of that. But in all of that I could never allow myself to need to be with this person. The dream of love was always a mutual infatuation.
The idea that I could give myself up for the taking - or the leaving - is just too much to bear.

Imagine my surprise when this fool walked off into the sunset and I realized I did in fact need him. Son of a bitch!! It's not about not needing someone, to some degree I think it's unavoidable. It's whether you have the courage to admit it, at least to yourself.