Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Humans are creatures who, at their core, want nothing more than to belong to a group. We are by nature pack animals, feeling most secure and validated when we are in like groups that we can readily identify and identify with. In order to become one of a pack, people more often than not try to make themselves resemble as closely as possible the other creatures they want to become a part of. It can be both subconscious and necessary; the kinda tomboy girl wants to be a Tri-Delta, so she starts wearing girly clothes. The scrawny kid wants to play basketball so he works out. The new kid wants his coworkers to like him so he joins in the office gossip session.

It's human nature. I get it.

But alas, this desire also leads us to lie. And even though we pretend that they aren't lies because they are oft repeated phrases, I think there are a few lies we should really stop telling ourselves. They are as follows...



1. He's leaving his wife.
No he isn't. Ever. And if he does, he will continue leaving his wife... next time, it will just be you.

2. Childbirth is beautiful.
Bullshit. No it's not. Sure, you get a kid out of the process which, if you like that sorta thing, is great. But let's keep it 100; there is nothing beautiful about the process or the pain... or the episiotomy. I am OUT.

3. It's "more cushion for the pushin'", or "more to love", or "voluptuous".
No it's not. Nor are the clothes in this store "cut smaller". It's just fat because you are not 16 anymore. I have admitted it to myself and now, so must you.

4. Size doesn't matter.
Surely some little dick dude started this rumor and I have to tilt my fitted to his hustle. But seriously though, it matters. "Motion in the ocean" isn't gonna do anything but make me sick to my stomach.

5. News is truthful.
I assume, of course, that this is repeated only by those who have never watched Fox News. Or MSNBC for that matter. The news is a direct reflection of the person who owns the medium. Journalists my have to be impartial, but more likely than not, their paychecks are signed by someone who is not.

6. "I'll just put the head in."
There is no such thing. There are a million "just put the head in" babies in the world and everyday their mothers shake their head at themselves for being so gullible.

7. White lies are harmless.
If you lie, you are a liar. There is no such thing as "an innocent lie". That's just something liars with a conscience made up to make themselves feel better. Lying is still lying, no matter the degree. That's like killing someone "a little".

8. George Bush is not a war criminal.
Please. Presidents are not invincible. Even my dog knows Bush was that bullshit.

9. "I'm not gay... it was just that one time in college when I got really drunk..."
Bwahahahahahahaha! Right. And the dancing queen in the skinny jeans and baby tee with the pink feather boa singing the Pussycat Dolls at the top of his lungs is a Mormon minister. Well, actually...

10. "I'm not drunk."
If you have to explain it, you're fucked up. Just enjoy and hope someone gets you to the kneeling position in front of a toilet by the time the clock strikes midnight.

11. Sarah Palin was a victim of sexism.
The only thing Sarah Palin was a victim of was stupid. It must be nice to be able to get away with such foolishness with a wink and the gun (read: be an attractive white woman.)

12. If I love them, they will change.
Sure they will, they will change who they are dating. There is no such thing as the girl who was loved so hard she was no longer afraid of commitment, or the emotionally retarded guy who proposes after 15 years. You are not a Sex and the City character, and these are urban myths. Think of one person any of those things or something like it has successfully happened to. Don't worry. I'll wait...



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Right.


I am sure to think of a few more to add to this list so check back. In the meantime...


You like how I just slid back in here like it hasn't been weeks since I posted anything of substance, don't ya? ;-)

19 comments:

PhlyyGirl said...

"Size doesn't matter.
Surely some little dick dude started this rumor and I have to tilt my fitted to his hustle. But seriously though, it matters. "Motion in the ocean" isn't gonna do anything but make me sick to my stomach."


*spits koolaid at pc*
Yooooo!!! Warn me next time you gonna post some fuckery like this!
Most of it was truthism though.
And as for the rest, fuckwhatchaheard, I'm gonna be shopping in rave and abercrombie for the rest of my life. So what if they don't make plus size clothing. I'm not fat, I'm just bigboned!!!

A.J. Brown said...

I feel you on all of these, but number 2, I might have to put that shit on a t-shirt if I hear that childbirth is beautiful mess one more time. You may be beautiful and the child may beautiful (although sometimes that has to be left to the imagination) and even the sex you had to get the little one may be beautiful, but all that other mess that could last for an uncertain amount of hours and rearranging all that there, is NOT.

Rashan Jamal said...

Lies? I'll add a few..

All the stories on my blog are really true. (well, mine are, but some people be making stuff up.)

My record label is gonna take off (nope, you're wack, and everybody thinks you're wack and doesn't want to buy your cd at the gas station)

I can stop smoking (or drinking) anytime I want. (you a drunk, or an addict, or both)

She don't really care about Valentines Day. I'll be just fine if I don't do anything. (you'll get broken up with, or worse. LOL)

I'll be there in 5 minutes... 5 hours later.. I'll be there in 5 minutes.. (Wait, that's a Kanye lyric. i guess I'm done)

LadyLee said...

I've either told myself these lies or these lies have been told to me at some time or another throughout my life! GEEZ

Chris said...

"And the dancing queen in the skinny jeans and baby tee with the pink feather boa singing the Pussycat Dolls at the top of his lungs is a Mormon minister. Well, actually..."

*dead* *muerte* *mort* *fin* *d-d-d-d-d-that's all, folks!*

And amen to number 11...and she's not even that attractive. You want to see a MILF? Check out any black woman born pre-1970s...mmm, ageless sexy *Homer drool*

Miss Marche said...

First... please excuse my friend Chris, he has a drooling problem...

Second... GIRL! How much truth are you speaking here?! ESPECIALLY number 6. I have had arguments -- ARGUMENTS -- with my good friend about how much of a fallacy that is. She had the nerve to call me one night and say...

"We played 'just the tip'... and I won."


...


....


.....


WHAT IN THE CORNFUCKERY HELL?! Shut up!

Mr.Slish said...

"I'll just put the head in."
I'm holding my head down in shame and you know why...lol...Danger Danger Danger...lol

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

Love this! Especially #4. Size DOES matter. I got to feel something!

"I'll just put the head in" is universal.

Here's my add-on:

If you like it, I love it (that is so far from the truth)

the joy said...

my cousin had a baby offa literally just the head. thats all she let him do. and now she has a 5 year old. my aunt is a step grandma at 38. yeah....

La said...

@Phlyy Girl... if you don't get your ass outta Abercrombie, lol

@A.J. It's about time someone came up in here and spread the word. I haven't had any kids but I have seen enough Discovery Health to know it ain't cute, let alone beautiful. Yuck. lol

@Rashan OMG! "my record label"!!! YES!!!! Sir, if you are 45 and your record label ain't "popped" by now, its about time you started looking for a day job... permanently. I am SO OVER 40 year olds with "contracts" I dunno what to do, lol

@LadyLee Well now you have no more excuse, lol

@Chris hahahaha! Don't be coming over here whipping your drool all on my spot! lol

@Miss Marche "WHAT IN THE CORNFUCKERY HELL?!" LMFAO!!! That is awesome.
Ima need you to tell her that if you play "Just the Head" either a. he wins because he fooled you with that dumb shit or b. nobody wins because nothing goes down. Either way, she is a LOSER, lol

@Slish HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Of COURSE you're guilty. Shame, lol

@Thoughts of a Southern Gal I HATE that too! Especially because the thing that is said that usually preceeded that is usually that bullshit, lol

@Joy hahahahaha Lawd. Poor Head Baby.

Miss Marche said...

Head baby.

*dead*

Blah Blah Blah said...

The "head" lines isn't about being gullible...we all know what's up!
It's about wanting dick inside you...and they're just using that line as an excuse.

What scares me...those white lying muthaeffa's! No ass, it's a lie!!!! White, black, or dooky brown...a lie is a lie.

Cyncere Sister said...

Cool...all so true...I'm crackin' up

As a mother of two --childbirth ain't pretty -- I just try to not to scare the pants off of a pregnant woman--she'll know sooner or later that that mess hurts like hell... LOL!

My first likely a "head in only" baby and I was married... LOL!

Qucifer said...

1: Preach! Hoes need to face the facts!!

2.NOT. NEVER!! Ughh I might have to be comatose for 9 months if I am to go through/survive a pregnancy

3. AMEN! The church says you are fat/chubby/overweight or Obese, now do something

4. Jury is out on this one: I'm selfish, if Mr. Lil dick is not trying to wear magnums AND he gives lots and lots and lots of head and kisses proper??!?! HOOOOOOO I'm there, matte fact all the sexy stuff just look pornstarish magnificent cause you are able to do some REAL damage

5.There is a thing called FOX news, nuff said

6. Thank you! The head is just the tip of your problems at that point in time cause asswipe ain't decent enough to tell you he needs a condom or that he will in fact try to cum in two minutes and IN you



7. if you lie, you lie, assume it!


8. we just wont have a Nuremberg trial is all


9.I rather have a Happy butt pirate than some asshole lying skulking around and making a bunch of people (including himself and the children he makes out of his fake marriage) unhappy


10. Tell that to the two bitches I've dropped this year on account of their shit-for-brains-when-i'm-drunk-I-say-whoo-hooo-and-rub-niggas-in-public-for-drinks


11.no she is only a victim of her own assholery and sense of entitlement


12. Yeah, no I learned that the hard divorcey, beat up, cheated on way

Mr. Jones said...

"4. Size doesn't matter.
Surely some little dick dude started this rumor and I have to tilt my fitted to his hustle. But seriously though, it matters. "Motion in the ocean" isn't gonna do anything but make me sick to my stomach."

"6. "I'll just put the head in."
There is no such thing. There are a million "just put the head in" babies in the world and everyday their mothers shake their head at themselves for being so gullible."

"9. "I'm not gay... it was just that one time in college when I got really drunk..."
Bwahahahahahahaha! Right. And the dancing queen in the skinny jeans and baby tee with the pink feather boa singing the Pussycat Dolls at the top of his lungs is a Mormon minister. Well, actually..."


**catches the spirit, starts speaking in tongues and acting a plum fool in the pews**

You ain't neva lied. LOL.

buttahflychronicles said...

The emotion you experience during childbirth IS beautiful. I've never experienced anything more beautiful.

Size definitely does matter. And there is such a thing as good pain (i know this wasn't on your list). Yes Lawd, there is. Umph.

Epsilonicus said...

I will admit that I used the "just the tip, just to see how it feels" move. I was a teenager though.

That line is supposed to only be used when all else fails.

Vdizzle said...

"it's just fat because you are not 16 anymore"

HILARITY!! So mad I read this at work also.

mia. said...

Amen.

And to me the worst is a skinny dick. Boo!!!

There is the younger guy at my gym that I used to mess with, just cause I could. A little kissing and a little touching turned into a whole lot of kissing and touching. There were times that I have really wanted to have sex with that boy, but his skinny dick killed it Every Time.

I just can't make myself do it.