Thursday, April 16, 2009

Simmer

Today I wore makeup.

A pretty bronze-y pink that I picked up from MAC as a treat for myself on my birthday (while doing the self pity shopping) complimented by various shades of gold and chocolate brown. The colors blended nicely under perfectly sculpted eyebrows and mascara to give me that doe look. Since it's warming up, I opted for just a little bronzer, neutral colored lips. I looked beautiful, if I do say so myself.


Underneath it though, I was blazing.

I have been for awhile now. Outwardly cool and calm and collected, inwardly seething. Absolutely simmering with fury.

I am angry all the time.
And I have no idea why.


To be fair, there have certainly been valid reasons to be angry; there have been more than a scarce amount of slights and resentments and neglects and arguments to certainly fuel my wrath. But mostly it's just a lingering boil, simmering right beneath the surface, spilling over, scorching everything when I least expect it to rise over the edge.

The only way I know to deal is to stick to myself for a little while until I can get a lid on it or find the cause of it or at least turn down the temperature on my anger.

But it seems like everyday, every slight, everything that just has to become a full on production just because of the orchestration of my life, turns the temperature up 10 degrees.

Goddammit I am hot.
And not in a cute way.


Just writing this, I feel my body heat inching up. My palms are getting sweaty. My heart is beating faster in my chest. I'm clenching my teeth. I feel short of breath. It's like even acknowledging it reveals a draft, lets the air in to bolster the flames.


But I am out in the world so I smile, albeit tightly. I try to be polite. I try to stick to myself. I try goddammit.

And it's not helping.


Underneath the MAC, something is festering, putrid and fluid, splashing over all the contents of my life. On the inside I am seething, hot and humid, barely managing to act like I have any modicum of sense.

Today, I wear makeup.


Tomorrow... who knows?

15 comments:

Vdizzle said...

"if you have hate in your heart, let it out!"
-Clayton Bigsby

Anonymous said...

are you mad cuz your not happy and other people seem to be?
you are a ridiculously good writer, dont you wish that being good at things can you make you feel good inside?

LadyShay said...

I wish you the best in this. Only you know how to find the root of it and extinguish it.
When I'm angry, I clean, go to the shooting range, run, or try to focus on something that makes me smile. I know it's corny, but that's just what I do. Hopefully you'll find something that'll get you through until you can let it out.

Jameil said...

just go cuss people out. it'll make you feel better.

Chris said...

I know what's that like, and it's a bitch to kick, for sure.

X Factor said...

Yeah La... cuss somebody out :)

I support the MAC cosmetics; I do not, however, support interior rage- it consumes you. And besides, I am WAYYYYY to unemployed to be able to be able to bail your angry ass out. Now if you, hypothetically speaking of course, just happen to haul off and smack a bitch... maybe through the internet... then, hey... I am ALLLLL over that.

Monie said...

Girlie, I have been here before and it's not a good look. Figure out what it is and handle it. Easier said than done but what in life can't La handle?

*hugs*

Rashan Jamal said...

So, the goose doesn't help with the anger? Marijuana maybe?

mia. said...

I've been there before! There are days (weeks, really) where I am just looking for someone to say something so I can start a fight.

Deep breath, sis, do you do any type of kick boxing or something?

PhlyyGirl said...

Why are you keeping it inside is what I don't understand?
Where in God's green bible, or in the constitution of the United States of fucked up that we live in does it say tht you can't be angry and have the right to express that?
If you need to go off on someone then GOOO!
If someone does something ignorant and you feel the need to tell them about themselves in small words, then DO THAT!!!!
Sometimes we all get angry and it does you no good to keep it inside and you shouldn't have to.

Opinionated Diva said...

I'm extra late, but I really hope you are in a better place La.

Anonymous said...

In another life we would be best friends. I'm angry all the time. I hate most things & people even though I don't show it.

Mr.Slish said...

Get outta my head La!..I feel the same fucking way...Only thing my anger has been coming out in spurts...Not a good look...gotta figure this shit out quick!

Blah Blah Blah said...

I'm with Slish...get out of my head. Well I know why I am mad...mad at the world and myself and probably the universe.

Last night I was watching A Piece of the Action (Poitier/Cosby) and Sheryl Lee Ralph plays this angry teenager...Poitier ask her "what are you so angry about?"...she shrugs her shoulders and mumbles... "I don't know"...

Right there, I knew exactly what she meant. Thing with me...is I want to crawl out of my skin and lay in the sun...like a snake...and bite whoever comes near me. I hate everything right now...problem is..."now" would be since last August.

Hope you get better as spring and summer continue...may just be restlessness.

Qucifer said...

Ack! I SO know what you're talking about, The past few weeks were just Discontent just like a thing on me that all I wanted to do was do/be away from people cause i knew the outcome wouldn't be pretty in the least!