I do that shit at home.
But because I love them, and indulge them every once in awhile, I found myself running to meet them after work at happy hour and an undisclosed hole in the wall Mexican place with cheap drinks and a great salsa band.
What I meant was, cheap, STRONG drinks. Hence, my presence there.
I'm all about priorities, people.
About two hours in, I am holding my liquor quite nicely and my girls are loaded, out on the dance floor and making out with random guys they would never look at while stone sober. But that's what makes the pictures I am taking with my Black.berry funny.
I am sipping on margarita
"You look like someone I know."
"Do I look like someone whom that line might work on? Cuz if so, I need to go home and change my face."
He's minty, and his cologne smells like Eau de Throw my Panties at Your Face so at least I don't so much mind him in my space. I turn to face him and have to damn near lay the back of my head back on the bar to make my way up to the top of his head.
This motherfucker is big.
I do love a big man.
"That was pretty bad right?" he says to me, and I can see him flush a muted shade of cherry that I find amusing.
"It was a bit like watching kittens drown."
"Forgive me. I haven't hit on a stranger in years. I'm newly dumped."
"Ah. Me too. All is forgiven."
"I'm Peter Parker."
I motion to the unoccupied bar stool next to me, and I am very interested to see if his massive weight turns the poor stool to kindling.
This man is that. big.
"So how long were you guys together?" he blurts out awkwardly, almost despite himself.
"Two years. What about you?"
"Oh wow. You win. I'll buy you a shot. You drink the Gentleman?"
"I do but I don't know many women who do."
"You apparently don't know many women from the South. Where are you from?"
"Los Angeles." I make a face. "Did you just make a face at LA?"
"Yeah I did. But only cuz I know my big sis, who is an LA native, will feel it wherever she is and hit me in the back of the head for it next time I see her. I love LA."
"Me too. I miss the weather mostly. I've been considering a move back."
"Cutting your losses and running for the hills, huh?"
"Yeah. I'd rather go lick my wounds on the beach."
"I'll drink to that."
So we do. Out of the corner of my eye I am watching him slyly, taking in his short Ceasar, the definitive set of his jaw line, the deep dimple to the corner of his mouth that I have more than a slight urge to kiss.
"So. Let me guess," I say before he can catch me looking. "The breakup is fairly recent. You've been keeping to yourself trying to heal, your boys are having none of it so they dragged you out and told you to take someone home."
He laughs at my astute observation.
"That's it exactly. How did you know?"
"It's not my first rodeo. I am fairly fluent in the language of heartbreak. Besides, my girls did the same thing to me," I say pointing in their direction. "Plus, I'm really good at these things. I know that you hit on me because you knew I'd turn you down, but at least you could tell your boys you tried. Right?"
"Wow, you're good."
Pointing to my head I say, "Not just a hat rack my friend. No guy in his right mind hits on the girl sitting alone at the bar and not socializing. Not unless he's a masochist. Or has a REALLY big dick."
He raises his eyebrows at me and smirks. It takes all of my god given self-control to not let me eyes wander down to the zipper of his dress pants.
"Most of that is true. It's been barely 2 months. I'm not dealing with the break up as quickly as my boys would like. However, they've failed to factor in that their longest combined relationship is 3 months."
"And that was probably just with girls who wanted to pretend they had morals so they made them wait to hit."
"Wow! You're outta control."
"You know I've heard that. If people don't stop saying it I might start to believe its true."
"I bought a ring." He blurts into the margarita that has just arrived for him. He's so damn adorable and awkward right now I just want to give him a hug.
"How did you know-"
"Cuz you're still hurting. So you're still holding on to anything that gives you hope that everything you built that she threw away wasn't just a mirage on the sand. So I'm willing to guess you either still carry it with you or you have a picture."
"Damn you ARE good. If you're this good with men why did u get dumped?"
"Because I wasn't with a man. And women are like geometry. I'm not good at either but I certainly gave it my best. Once. And only once. And no more now that I don't have to anymore." He laughs and pulls out his phone.
"Here's the ring."
"Goddamn. I'm marry you. This ring is gorgeous." He beams with no small amount of pride.
"I spent 6 months learning about diamonds and settings and metals and designing the whole thing myself."
"Where on EARTH did she find you?"
"At a club."
"Wow. Guess I gotta throw my prejudice against club dudes out the window." He uses his thick fingers to scroll through a few pics.
"This is her."
"Wow. She's gorgeous." He looks pained for a moment. "But obviously a moron," I continue. She really is quite exquisite. Flawless chocolate skin from which a thick curly mass of ringlets sprout, perfect cheekbones, full lips, nice rack.
"She was. Is. Beautiful, I mean," he stammers, and I notice that he can't quite bring himself to look at the picture.
"She'd prob let you. Hence why we aren't together anymore."
"Oh shit. She just figured out she was completely into chicks?"
"She always kinda knew. But she played it down a lot. I just thought, wow I've got a cool ass girlfriend. We'll have threesomes! She and her family are really conservative and Catholic. I think she was just scared to come out. Then she met this woman at an art show. And then she wasn't scared anymore."
"An art show? Could that be more dyke-y? Jeez."
"I know right?"
"I had the opposite problem."
"Two years in some of her friends still thought I was her homegirl and/or roomate. None of her fam even knew I existed."
"To say the least. Sometimes you just wanna exist, you know?"
"I don't actually. But I can imagine."
He's given his eyes back to the picture on his phone; what looks like an intimate picture of them still in bed, his arms around her from behind, her leaning into him with her eyes closed, a contented look on her face.
"So," I say, because I am sympathetic, "tell me about her."
He does. Throughout his entire story I find myself both jealous of her and very in awe of the kind of man he is. And then jealous of her a little more. I'm adding up all my collective relationship failures in my head as he's talking and I am pretty sure that I have only one ex as great as he seems to be.
His story winds to a close and though he looks a little pained, I can see that he also feels relieved.
"Yeah. I have never sat down and just said all of that before. I feel..."
"Precisely. Thank you."
"I'm a pretty good listener."
"You really are. I am surprised you didn't get up leave."
"Well I was gonna but then I realized that my car key's are in my homegirl's purse so I figured I would power through."
He laughs, long and hard, like he hasn't laughed in awhile. It makes me smile, not only because I find myself kinda digging his laugh, but because I know what it's like to need to so desperately and have nothing to smile about. I like to pay it forward.
"So now tell me about your break up."
"No thank you."
"Oh no. You not gonna have me spilling my guts and you don't."
"That's different though."
"Just because you were all emotionally slutty the first time we met doesn't mean I am gonna put out that easily. I'm a lady."
He looks at his watch. "I tell you what," he says to me while motioning to the bartender, "if you come with me now we can go on our second date and you can tell me all about it then."
By this time, he has paid both our tabs and gotten off his bar stool.
"You coming?" he asks, his hand held out.
I hesitate. I don't know this guy. There is no way I am going to date him because he is fresh out of a relationship and so am I. So what is the point of going anywhere with him?
But he's funny. And he made smooth reference to James Baldwin without blinking.
And he's just... so... big.
"I'm driving my own car."
"Thank God. My truck is a mess. And I am pretty sure you are too tiny to get up in it."
"Shut it. I'm following you."
He takes my hand and that is precisely what I do.
And that's how La went on 2 dates in one night with her first ever white boy.