Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Humans are creatures who, at their core, want nothing more than to belong to a group. We are by nature pack animals, feeling most secure and validated when we are in like groups that we can readily identify and identify with. In order to become one of a pack, people more often than not try to make themselves resemble as closely as possible the other creatures they want to become a part of. It can be both subconscious and necessary; the kinda tomboy girl wants to be a Tri-Delta, so she starts wearing girly clothes. The scrawny kid wants to play basketball so he works out. The new kid wants his coworkers to like him so he joins in the office gossip session.

It's human nature. I get it.

But alas, this desire also leads us to lie. And even though we pretend that they aren't lies because they are oft repeated phrases, I think there are a few lies we should really stop telling ourselves. They are as follows...



1. He's leaving his wife.
No he isn't. Ever. And if he does, he will continue leaving his wife... next time, it will just be you.

2. Childbirth is beautiful.
Bullshit. No it's not. Sure, you get a kid out of the process which, if you like that sorta thing, is great. But let's keep it 100; there is nothing beautiful about the process or the pain... or the episiotomy. I am OUT.

3. It's "more cushion for the pushin'", or "more to love", or "voluptuous".
No it's not. Nor are the clothes in this store "cut smaller". It's just fat because you are not 16 anymore. I have admitted it to myself and now, so must you.

4. Size doesn't matter.
Surely some little dick dude started this rumor and I have to tilt my fitted to his hustle. But seriously though, it matters. "Motion in the ocean" isn't gonna do anything but make me sick to my stomach.

5. News is truthful.
I assume, of course, that this is repeated only by those who have never watched Fox News. Or MSNBC for that matter. The news is a direct reflection of the person who owns the medium. Journalists my have to be impartial, but more likely than not, their paychecks are signed by someone who is not.

6. "I'll just put the head in."
There is no such thing. There are a million "just put the head in" babies in the world and everyday their mothers shake their head at themselves for being so gullible.

7. White lies are harmless.
If you lie, you are a liar. There is no such thing as "an innocent lie". That's just something liars with a conscience made up to make themselves feel better. Lying is still lying, no matter the degree. That's like killing someone "a little".

8. George Bush is not a war criminal.
Please. Presidents are not invincible. Even my dog knows Bush was that bullshit.

9. "I'm not gay... it was just that one time in college when I got really drunk..."
Bwahahahahahahaha! Right. And the dancing queen in the skinny jeans and baby tee with the pink feather boa singing the Pussycat Dolls at the top of his lungs is a Mormon minister. Well, actually...

10. "I'm not drunk."
If you have to explain it, you're fucked up. Just enjoy and hope someone gets you to the kneeling position in front of a toilet by the time the clock strikes midnight.

11. Sarah Palin was a victim of sexism.
The only thing Sarah Palin was a victim of was stupid. It must be nice to be able to get away with such foolishness with a wink and the gun (read: be an attractive white woman.)

12. If I love them, they will change.
Sure they will, they will change who they are dating. There is no such thing as the girl who was loved so hard she was no longer afraid of commitment, or the emotionally retarded guy who proposes after 15 years. You are not a Sex and the City character, and these are urban myths. Think of one person any of those things or something like it has successfully happened to. Don't worry. I'll wait...



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Right.


I am sure to think of a few more to add to this list so check back. In the meantime...


You like how I just slid back in here like it hasn't been weeks since I posted anything of substance, don't ya? ;-)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Happy V-Day

Yes, I'm late, but I got it like that. Just a little bit of sweetness that I was to post from B.O.B. and to hopefully make up for the fact that I have absolutely nothing to talk about.


10 Things You Bloggers Don't Know About My Valentine, La
By B.O.B.



1. She is super romantic.
So last week we were in San Fran, hands down the most beautiful city in the country and our new favorite spot (big ups to Chi), and she took me on a date (because she believes you should never stop dating, but really was exacting revenge on a particularly fantastic date I planned almost exactly a year ago. You win). We went to the pier and boarded a boat that took us across the Bay, over to an extravagant island, where we had a wonderful seafood dinner overlooking the water. Then we took a trip across the Golden Gate bridge. It was perfect. She plans shit like this in her sleep.

2. She is thoughtful.
For a year she insisted that I was the drunk one. But then one day in one of her more pensive moods she finally THOUGHT about it and realized that in the past year I was fucked up maybe twice while she may or may not have been out of sorts on several occasions. And upon making the realization she promptly apologized... and was devastated. Awww.

3. She talks tough on the blog, but she is a softy.
For your own safety, please don't get it twisted. Ma will let you HAVE it. But only when provoked. She is a naturally compassionate and caring woman, who is fiercely loyal and giving, not only to me but to her friends. Today she was in tears over some orphan puppies. Literally.

4. She's talented.
No bullshit she's one of those people who is good at just about everything and knows a little something about everything. But YO when she DOESN'T know how to do something (like parallel park) she goes NUTS. She can't stand it. But she will do what it takes to learn (after flipping the fuck out).

5. She is a generous and thorough lover.
If you're not grown please cover your ears for a moment...
I know niggas wanna be all up in other niggas' bedrooms so Ill just say this: She has this amazing capacity for giving. And she is skilled at memorizing every line and expression and response and muscle and inch of my skin like they're lines in a script. And you know that John Mayer song "Your Body is a Wonderland"? That's La. She would say her rack is her best asset (well.) and she might acknowledge her lips (MA'AM). But it's her eyes. Hands down. She makes love with them.

6. Don't try to surprise her.
I take that back. I've pulled off a couple, but do not let her know that you're planning ANYTHING. Her favorite line is, "Tell me EVerything", and you just get so tired of her prodding that you end up telling. But it's still worth it when she starts gasping and bouncing up and down and shit.

7. She can cook.
And she's not one of those corny Rachel.Ray wannabe girls that has to constantly talk about how great she is (though shes not above the occasional frequent self proclaimed, "I'm awesome!"). I think those girls are really just trying to convince themselves and hope people start believing it too. So the first time she cooked for us was real low key and on the humble. But she shut it down. Oh and she only lets me in her kitchen to pour us drinks or to slow dance.

8. She is attentive.
Which is ironic because she is also attention deficit and gets bored very quickly. I can't think of a single time when I needed her that she wasn't there. It's probably the reason we've survived a year long distance.

9. She's out of her mind.
Shorty is crazy. Whether its the time she wanted to fight after an incident at a strip club, or a lil scrap we avoided while going inside a party, or how she has to have all of her toiletries lined up with the labels out, how it drives her mad when I (used to) leave toothpaste in the sink, or like how she enjoys autographing certain body parts of mine then taking pics of it then later emailing them to me randomly, or how she kept saying 'cracker' at the civil rights museum in Memphis IN FRONT of white people. Out of her mind is what she is. It's cute.

10. She has a 'that's my shit' dance and face.
Let that Neyo shit "Miss Independent" come on. That's. Her. Shit. And she will tell you. Over and over. And she will do her little T.M.S. dance where she looks like she's hula hooping and she pouts up her mouth all cute while she dances. (And if a Ri.hanna song comes on she will sing over it because she don't respect her vocals (and sounds better anyway))

*Bonus... She likes when I write for her. Happy V Day, LaDiDahDi



I'm lucky, right? :-)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Is it Just Me...

...or does this commercial get you too?








Anyway, wish me luck. I can't tell you for what yet because I don't wanna jinx it. But wish me luck anyway.



DO IT!!!