Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Where I Am

I always find myself having a bit of an issue with blogging. I love to write, of course, it being just about as natural for me as anything I do. But it becomes a bit of a struggle between being reticent to lay open the deeply personal things I tend to write about right now, but not wanting to not be one of those writers who bores you with the mundane details of my everyday life not because I particularly want to share it, but because it creates space, and arms distance. And sometimes, as much as I would prefer not to admit it, I need the buffer.

But I am not a woman who thrives in gray areas.

As melodramatic as it may be, I struggle with it. I think about some of my favorite bloggers who started blogging around the time I did; the cervical cancer patient who was barely a year older than me who somehow found a way to make radiation irreverent and funny and tangible. The wife being divorced by the only man she'd loved since childhood, recreating each moment of this unraveling of marital lives with such an exquisite, painful beauty that I would weep as I clicked through her pages. I remember them, some five years later; I wonder how they are, if they are, as though I knew them in real life. And I remember what reading their lives did for me and my sorrows and fears, even if the situations were not parallel.

And I think to myself, what if you are writing the thing someone needs to read?

Because I believe that. I believe that people who are given the gift of creation create not just for themselves, but for whoever might bear witness to it. If you find that too syrupy sweet for your own good, well, you haven't been around here long enough.

It is hard for me, this metaphorical unwrapping, and I am not always good at it. But I do try. It is better than hiding, as I sometimes do. It is better than pretending, as I am working not to do. And it is better than wallowing, which I refuse to do. I always try. But sometimes, I have to just be still.

5 comments:

UglyCleanBroke87 said...

If it means anything, I came across your blog several weeks ago and was so drawn in that I ended up going back pages to see where the blog started from. Needless to say, although your experiences happened 5 years ago, you seemed to accurately describe emotions and battles that I faced only earlier this year in a way that I couldn't figure out how to express, whether verbally or written. With that said, I believe it's true that you could be writing what someone else in the "blogger" world needs to read. I hope you continue blogging, not only for the entertainment of readers but as an outlet for others to read and relate to as well.

PhlyyGirl said...

I have literally laughed out loud, I have cried while reading your blog. I have agreed and disagreed with some of your ideas and opinions. I have used your posts as reasons for and examples against. Through it all, I have learned a lot and I feel like I have been challenged by you and because of you.
We were never that close in school and sometimes reading your blog makes me really regret not getting to know the you that I see here. Then again, I don't know if I would appreciate it as much if I had always been exposed to it.
At any rate, you definitely have a gift and a light and if nothing else, it IS your duty to shine on.

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

"And I think to myself, what if you are writing the thing someone needs to read?"

Yes, and you do this extremely well. You also mentioned the concept of being still. I have a post up today about this titled pitbulls. It's a very subtle part interwoven into the story, but you'll get it.

A.Smith said...

My blogroll keeps growing and I wonder sometimes how I imagine I'll keep up with it. It takes me hours to go through it (and that's only picking out the posts that seem interesting).

I keep adding because I keep finding people who are talking about things that resonate with me and I'm finding people talking about lifestyles and ideas I'd never even known of... as well as folks talking about things I hope one day I can talk about.

Most of all, though, most of these blogs encourage me to keep blogging. Like you, I figure if I'm reading a seemingly mundane story that's speaking to me and giving me things to consider (and sometimes even re-consider) then maybe I'm doing that for someone else.

I recently commented on a blog that sharing can be helpful to others, but also very cathartic. I was writing long before I was blogging and it was always just a way to organize my thoughts on whatever was "bothering" me at the time.

If you're not gonna write us a book, you have to keep blogging. That's just the rule. :)

GorgeousPuddin said...

As the first reader stated when I found your blog I had to go back to catch up. You are excellent writer and so real. I can relate to some of your experiences. Keep blogging you are defintely writings things we need to read.