Monday, April 4, 2011

Lestat v. Possums

You should know that while you were sleeping, I damn near lost my life.

See, I have a bit of a problem. When most people are sleeping, I am usually getting a burst of energy. So, until it wears off (usually 2-4 hours) I have to find something for myself to do. This usually means I can get a ton of stuff done when I am not distracted by my B.lackberry or television and all, but it also means some nights I fall asleep just barely before the sun comes up. Michael calls me Lestat. We hate him.



This happened last night, around 10:30 or so. Out of nowhere I was just energized. So I decided that rather than trying to force myself to sleep, I would just go with it. I have a ton of shit to do before the girls get here for my birthday on Thursday so I figured it would just be best if I started knocking off some items from my to do list.

So I walked and fed the dog. I put 2 loads of laundry in the wash. And while those were washing, I ran to the grocery store.



As an aside, grocery shopping both late at night and at the end of the weekend is better than a negative pregnancy test. It is virtually deserted, and everything is being put out fresh to restock from the weekend. I was in and out in 20 minutes. Win!



When I finished up at the grocery store, I ran back home, threw the clothes in the dryer, and then headed right back out to Walmart where I finished up my shopping. On my way back to my apartment, I grabbed my laundry and finally found a parking spot relatively close my building.

At this time you should take note of a few things: it is almost 1am. I have a car full of groceries from two stores, two full loads of laundry, and nary a boyfriend or butchy girlfriend to wake up for help carrying this shit up three flights of stairs.

But you know, I am a strong, independent modern woman. I can carry this stuff upstairs. Sure it is 1am and I live near the woods and no one would find my body until spring. But WHATEVER. I am AWESOME and perfectly capable of CARRYING MY OWN SHIT.

On trip number three on my way back up the stairs with two arms full of groceries is when I was brutally “attacked”. And by “attacked” I OF COURSE mean “scared shitless”.

At first, I thought the shadow moving in front of me was Arch Nemesis Cat, who Honey has not yet quite figured out does not want to play with her and means her harm not play when she tries to claw at her pretty face. ANC likes to lurk around our stairs because the neighbors feed him. So his prescence here at all hours of the God given night made sense. Except I realized, ANC’s eyes don’t glow in the dark. I don’t know ANY manner of cat whose eyes glow in the dark.

BITCH THAT IS A MOTHERFUCKING POSSUM!!



Cue La looking like this:





Lawd. All my groceries. Both my shoes. My keys. Part of my soul. All strewn about the stairs and landing of my building.

And what did the punk ass possum do?

Moseyed on into the woods, as though it hadn’t just shaved 3.72 years off my life.

After standing at the top of the stairs for 10 minutes, screaming internally and panicking (“OMG CAN POSSUMS CLIMB STAIRS?!?!), when I was finally assured he had returned to his forest home to stay, I quietly gathered my lost things with the all the dignity one can muster after screaming like two deacons caught mid-foreplay in the pastor’s office. I am pretty sure there is still a can of green beans stuck under the stairs. But fuck it. I don’t even like green beans that much.



I hate living in the country.

10 comments:

Monique said...

Fuck them green beans, your life matters most. LOL Possums are gangsta; don't underestimate them.

Naima said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha!! I am CRYING over here!

But yeah. Possums? Not so much. At all. Or ever.

Jazzy said...

lmao @ that clip...just the perfect visual!!

Possums are nasty creatures...I would have done the same!

Now lets talk about those CANNED green beans *side eye* You know your southern ancestors are side-eye'g you too!

LadyDeathStrike said...

You realize I'm trying to contain the loudness of my laughter right? *snickering* I'm doing everything in my power to keep from falling all over the floor laughing hysterically.

I think I fell out completely when I got to this statement: "I quietly gathered my lost things with the all the dignity one can muster after screaming like two deacons caught mid-foreplay in the pastor’s office." What the hell?! Only you would write something like that. lmfao

Oh and yeah possums are nothing to mess with. But if you think they're bad where you are, don't go to my little podunk town. *shutter*

thesugargirl said...

When you wrote "possum" hair literally stood up on my arms. I hate those damn things!!! Did I ever tell you about the time I ran over an ENTIRE family of them when I was driving through a canyon late one night and my headlights picked them up too late for me to swerve.

thump... thumpthump... thump!

I looked in my rear view mirror and swore to anyone who would listen that I hadn't killed a whole family - they were just playing possum.

That being said, I have officially ended our friendship over this: "nary a butchy girlfriend".

I. quit. you.

rainbowlens said...

I CAN'T BREATHE. I saw one trotting along my fence one morning like that's just the thing to do while walking the puppy we were watching. I froze like it was a T-rex. "If I don't move, it can't see me." Um I need to know what part of town you stay? Clear Lake in this ho?!

Gem

Kali said...

The possum was trying to stic you for your green beans! 2words: bebe gun!

Thoughtsofsoutherngal said...

I laughed so hard at "Bitch that is a motherfucking possum" that I got the hiccups!

Directly across from my friend's house are woods. So possums are always in her yard. Everytime I leave her house I night, I run to my truck. lol

Jess said...

That is my biggest fear of being out at night...some animal attack. Especially some potentially rabid animal. Glad you're safe.
P.S. I love the grocery store late at night!! I'm hella anti social and love it when the cereal aisle is free and I can have a long drawn out internal debate over healthy grains or sugary goodness.

P.P.S Happy Birthday Eve!

La said...

@Monique ok so ALL possums are this gangster? Cuz I was worried it was some sort of mutant breed around my way, walking all up to people like they pay rent

@Naima oh I was crying too, but in a TOTALLY different way.

@Jazz they are for the dog! lol You know good and well you don't know no southern people who eat veggies from a can

@LDS I can seriously only imagine how ridiculous and large they are around your way

@thesugargirl resignation unaccepted. Why we gotta keep going thru this? lol

@Gem Like a T-Rex tho? LMAOOOOO I live in Spring.

@Kali knowing my luck I would accidentally shoot somebody's cat, thinking it was a damn possum. lol

@SouthernGal YES!!! Omg at night I ALWAYS unlock the door and then sprint to my truck and jump in all fast. And I REFUSE to take my trash out after dark because they stay swimming in the dumpster like it's an infinity pool

@Jess I used to try to walk the dog at night during the summer because it's so hot but NO MORE. I will just sweat. lol But why did I really have a long drawn out debate with myself over my cereal choice tho? LMFAO!!! Thanks! =)