Wednesday, June 22, 2011


I am prideful. Sometimes foolishly so.

Because I am prideful, I am not particularly fond of having to depend on people. This can be just as detrimental to interpersonal relationships as you might think it is.

Because I don't like depending on people, I don't care for asking people for things. This, coupled with my outlandish pride, will, at best, make me do things the hard way. At worst, I will choose to go without rather than have to ask.

Especially if the person I have to depend on is one of those people that will forever guilt me about needing. Or who will never let me live down having requested something of them.

I can't deal with that. I would much rather live under the mantra that if I can't get it myself, I don't need it.

This is foolish as fuck. And unrealistic. And not hardly how the world works. If I were smarter, I would say that maybe the universe continues to put me in this position I loathe so vehemently because I have not yet learned my lesson about my scorched earth policy for dealing with situations (such as the one I am in) that make me uncomfortable. To teach me that I do not have to slash and burn everything to punish them for their perceived slight. That if I set fire to everything, no matter how faulty, then it will also destroy the resources of my own imagined, self-sufficient island.

But I am not smart. I am prideful.

And I am about to do some stupid shit because of it.


onceuponapoet said...

you wrote this for me didn't you? as much as I tell myself that "this is foolish as fuck. & unrealistic" have I changed? Nope. have I asked for help? Nope. And right this very minute I am in the position I swore I'd never be in again.

& me begging the Universe for a different lesson to learn doesn't seem to help much. Hmph.

Jess said...

So, La...we're really twins but I think I'm a few minutes older because I just learned this lesson and finally gave in to asking for help. I HATE asking for help. I especially hate people thinking that I am indebted to them as a result of seeking their help. In any case...we're not islands. Sometimes you have to ask. Be humble or be humbled. That's pretty much how it goes my love.