Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Without any Assistance or Guidance From Me

I have nothing to write about. At all. Well, that’s a lie. I have plenty I could say, but nothing I am particularly interested in sharing.
Usually when this happens to me, it means that I am too overwhelmed with my offline life to discuss it in any semblance of an intelligent, witty or thoughtful way online. This is the case currently. My life is changing right now, far too fast for me to keep up with all the shifting pieces. But, as I am a control freak, I am trying anyway and it is WEARING. ME. OUT.
The irony of it all is, I asked for this. I actually got down on my knees and prayed for this. I prayed not for the outcome (which, depending on the day you ask me was either an exercise in faith or extremely stupid on my part) but that things be as they are supposed to be. That I not get the promotion I applied for if it wasn’t for me. That I not get the man I wanted in every spiritual, mental, emotional way I could fathom (and in a few physical ways I am uncomfortable discussing with Jesus) if he was not for me. That I not grow comfortable here in this city, build a family and a network here if I am not meant to stay. That the people who are meant to be forever in my life stay and the ones meant to be temporary leave because I am rapidly getting to the point where I cannot bear to lose any more people. Plainly put, that whatever my life is supposed to look like, please, make it look like that, and I will walk whatever path I’m supposed to.
This is happening. And began happening almost as soon as I prayed for it. Was I entirely prepared for it? Absolutely not and not a single bit at all. I suppose that in and of itself is a lesson to learn; don’t ask if you aren’t ready for the answers. In theory, I suppose things transitioning as they are means that whether I doubt myself or not, God or the universe or something thinks I am prepared. That should mean something. The universe is moving with or without my permission. I just need to get with the program.
For now though, I am going to go get a drink.

1 comment:

A.Smith said...

I have SOOOOOOO(OOOOOO) been here. And I didn't learn the lesson the first time. I thought I was ready for whatever because I was so over the current but it turns out what I fathomed was possible was only a tidge of what was possible. Jesus learnt me, though.